Hello and happy Monday (evening)
This week I thought I would bring you a bit of a rant and some advice for said rant. I wanted to address the topic of back burner friends. Don’t know what that is? Well, let me tell you.
A Back Burner Friend can be defined as someone who: claims to be your friend, bosom buddy, pal, chum, but when you really need them they pussy foot out of your life. They want the good parts of your friendship and not the bad. And, if they deem anything else more important than you that can come up in a mere moment, you get placed on the back burner. Pushed aside. Something better, shinier, more convenient has distracted them. Your plans change and you are left holding the strands of a friendship that is bullshit.
Usually this type of friend then turns it back onto you when you try to protect yourself. For example: you may refuse to make plans with them because of the inevitability that they will replace you with something better that comes along. Then you get shunned when all you are doing is trying to avoid bullshit.
Why do you put up with their bullshit?
I don’t know about the fellas, but I think us women are gluttons for punishment. Perhaps we have a tendency to hold on longer to a friendship. At a young age I was taught to value every friendship and never really learned to say no. I think that adult life is learning how to say no. Just maybe.
Speaking of maybe…maybe there is something deeper to the friendship that makes you hold on. Maybe there is some underlying understanding that carries the friendship thorough the bullshit. And you may be up to your ass in bullshit.
And now I bring you…. Robyn’s Guide to Rejecting the Back Burner Friendship.
Because, lets face it, you wont know that you are in one until you are actually… well you get my drift.
1. Admit to yourself that you are in an unhealthy friendship. Getting rid of the denial is the first step. How do you know you are in denial? Ask yourself if you keep making excuses why your “friend” isn’t there for you. You are, aren’t you?
2. Question the friendship with the unhealthy friend and call them out on their bullshit. This gives them the chance to explain themselves and correct their mistakes. They may not be aware of how much you need them if you don’t communicate with each other. If they are receptive and want to work on your friendship then, by all means, give them another chance. BUT ONLY ONE MORE CHANCE. If not, then move on to step three.
3. Don’t apologize. You have done nothing wrong. Sometimes it is OK to be the victim and to realize that you are worthy of a more accepting relationship. Don’t ever let yourself walk away feeling guilty or that it was your fault.
4. Recognize that you can have healthy relationships. If you keep falling victim to bad friends, then you are looking for friends in the wrong places. There are some good people out there who will value you and your time.
5. Know you did the right thing. It may be hard at first, and you may miss your friend tremendously, but in the end it was the healthy decision.
You can be stronger than those around you. You can help yourself and find true support with real friends. Find those lifelong friends who would never leave your side under any circumstance. Just remember to always communicate what you need so that feelings don’t get hurt and wires don’t get crossed. Value yourself and others will value you just as much.
Stop the bullshit. It stinks.