Dear Gay Boy With A Problem;
Ah yes, the friend who longs for more. And in this case the compatibility problems run twice as deep.
First thing I’d say to you is be careful of coming to conclusions about other people’s motivations. I don’t doubt you when you say she is overly attached, but are you sure about the part where you claim she wants to have a relationship with you? And by relationship I’m assuming (which is always a bad idea) you mean a romantic relationship.
Bad things come from making assumptions about other people’s emotions, state of mind, motivations and so forth. Sometimes we just can’t help making assumptions. It’s what human do. But in a case like this where a good friend is involved there is no excuse for assumptions.
It never ceases to amaze me how little people communicate when we are surrounded by ways to communicate. But that’s a rant unto itself.
Practically speaking I don’t think it matters that much if she wants to be your lover or simply your platonic sidekick as my advice would be the same either way.
You certainly need your me time and so does she, even if she doesn’t realize it. As you correctly observe she needs to spend time with her other friends as well. Trouble is how do you convey this to her without bringing about an adverse reaction.
I’ll start with a radical concept. Have you simply told her exactly what you just told us?
When someone uses the word “friend” in a sentence I expect they are doing so in a way that has meaning. Not in the Facebook friend kind of way. If someone is your friend that means you should be able to have difficult conversations with them because they care about you enough to have those conversations. If someone is your friend then that person should be willing to see the world from your perspective just as you should be willing to see the world from her perspective.
This don’t mean you have to agree with each other but it does mean you have to listen to each other. I mean listen with the intention to understand – not listen with the intention to retort.
What you should do is sit down and have a nice heart to heart chat with her. The big question the two of you should explore is why she has decided to make you the centre of her attention. I can theorize about this all day but I’ve not enough information to even make an uneducated guess much less an educated guess.
I suggest you initially approach this from the perspective of “we don’t have to do everything together.” Don’t jump in with “I know you’re in love with me but chill the fuck out baby girl.” Ease into it. (That’s what she said.) Especially since you might be wrong about the part where you think she wants a relationship with you. I hope you are wrong about that ’cause it’ll make life easier for both of you.
Regardless if she do or she don’t want no romantic relationship with you she still needs to be spending time with other people. Try using humour. Tell her that spending more time with her other people will remind her of just how fantastic you are.
Here are some bullet points for your conversation:
- I want to be friends with you.
- I want you to have other friends.
- You need other friends.
- I want you to be happy long term and that includes a romantic relationship.
- Your emotional health is important to me because I’m your friend and that’s why we are having this conversation. I want the best for you.
I wonder if there is some other reason besides romantic attachment which is leading to this clingieness she has for you. Is there something which makes it difficult for her to make friends or open up to other people? Is she devastatingly shy? Highly introverted? A cynical jerk? Oh wait, that’s me. Never mind.
I have to wonder about this ’cause I’ve been in love and still didn’t want to spend every day with that person. There could be something else going on here. And that’s why at some point in this conversation you are gonna have to figure out if she’s got the hots for you or not. If you can’t fish it out indirectly you are gonna have to come right out and ask. If she doesn’t have the hots for you, happy days. If she does . . . oh shit.
This is one of those make or break moments in a friendship. One person wants romance the other wants friendship. One of you is gonna have to give ground. In this case it sounds like the ground giver will not be you. If she’s looking for romance you can’t keep ignoring this. I submit that even if this destroys your friendship that’s better than keeping it in the dark and unspoken where it will only get worse and more corrupted over time.
She’s must come to terms with you not being a potential romantic interest and move on with that aspect of her life. We both know this but you are the one who has to tell her.