Dear Failing at Faithful;
Don’t say you do if you don’t.
Don’t say you will if you won’t.
Don’t say you could if you should.
Don’t say you didn’t if you did.
I may cut a bit of slack on that last one. Sometimes it’s better to blame it on the dog.
Your plea is to help you fix things so cheating isn’t so tempting. I wouldn’t say that’s impossible but it’s going to be difficult. It’s gonna take some engineering and you’re gonna have to be truly serious about making this happen.
You wrote that cheating gives you a thrill that she doesn’t give you. Does this mean your wife doesn’t give you a thrill? Why did you marry her. Or does this mean that sex within the framework of a marriage doesn’t give you a thrill? Why did you get married at all? Or does it mean something else? You need to get clear on this. But what is done is done and you indicate you want to remain married so I’m going to run with that.
How do you get yourself to stop cheating and stay married? Some people would tell you “simply stop cheating” but we both know it isn’t that easy. Having sex with different people on a regular basis is fun. And when something is fun it’s difficult to stop doing it.
One of the most effective ways to stop any bad habit is to substitute a good/useful habit for the bad one. You can do this consciously or you can do this unconsciously. Many people try to quit smoking and discover they start eating more food. This happens because they subconsciously substitute the habit of eating food for the habit of smoking cigarettes.
In order for you to eliminate and replace your habit of extramarital sex you are going to need to replace it with something else. Ideally the thing you should be replacing it with would be sex with your wife. But we come back to the lack of “thrill”.
You’re going to need to think really hard about why that is. If you can determine what sex with the wife is lacking compared to sex with the non-wives then you may be able to insert (get it) that into your sexual activities with the wife.
At this point I simply have to theorize/guess. This might be the Coolidge effect.
The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm. When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently.
She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.” Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.”
Upon being told, President asked, “Same hen every time?” The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”
The idea of having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is pretty terrifying. The actual application of having sex with the same person or the rest of your life is beyond my comprehension.
Unless the two of you do what is necessary to make it not boring.
I know what some of you readers are saying. “Skippy, there is no such thing as boring sex.” Oh you are wrong. You are so very wrong. I’ve had boring sex and boring sex has had me.
You may be able to find the novelty you’re looking for by introducing role-playing elements to your sex life. Or bringing in some toys. As a man you may be thinking you shouldn’t need toys to please a woman because you have a cock. This may be true in theory yet when it comes to practical application I can tell you that assorted dildos and vibrators and remote control eggs can supplement your cock’s activities and result in a happier female.
I mean that’s what I read on the Internet.
The happier she is the freakier and the friskier she will become. And what you probably need here is more friskiness and more freakiness in the bedroom. And the kitchen. And the living room. And the shower. And the bathroom at your favourite brewery. And the janitors closet at your work place. And in the CSU library.
You need to have a conversation that centres around the question of what sorts of activities and enhancements in the sexual realm the two of you would like to explore. Until one of you has the courage to say “I would really love for you to lick my asshole” and the other one says “I would love to lick your asshole” you are never going to know some asshole licking needs to be happening.
Until you get it all out on the table nobody’s going to be getting everything they want and consciously or subconsciously both of you are going to be looking to get what you want some place else. Safety tip: before you get it all out on the table make sure the table is sturdy enough that it will not collapse.
There may be other things that are influencing your decision to seek sex outside of marriage and that’s why I’m encouraging you to do some self reflection and honestly evaluate what you are contributing to the problem. If you have a friend you can trust it might be useful to sit down with this person and try to work through it. Keep in mind this will need to be a friend who is willing to call you on your bullshit and push you to determine the root cause of why you’re doing what you’re doing.