Dear Failing at Faithful,
I am not going to tell you anything you want to hear, nor am I going to scold you or call you names. I am going to be honest. I am going to tell you a secret. No one is every truly ready to get married. I mean, how can you wrap your brain around that kind of commitment? Forever is forever. Infinite. Years and years and years of a commitment that you have never had to make before. It’s huge. It’s scary. And, its one of the greatest things you can do with your life. I have heard over and over again the tale of “we weren’t really ready to get married so (insert negative thing) happened.” Were you ready to get married? Probably not. Will you ever feel truly ready to get married if you started all over again? NO.
I do not think you should leave your wife at this point in your marriage. Nor do I think you need to tell her what has happened. This sounds to me like an issue that you have with yourself. You are experiencing an internal struggle and trying to fill some void in yourself with sex.
My guess is that you know how to disconnect your feelings for you wife when you are with the other woman. Is it purely for the pleasure? Is it exciting? Daring? Do you live for the thrill? Yes, yes, yes and yes? You say this is an old habit, and old habits die hard. I am going to assume that this has been something you have indulged in all of your relationships.
Is there something that you resent about your wife? You love her, of course you do, that is why you said “I do.” Did she do something in your relationship past that is making you feel like you need to shut down from her and seek attention elsewhere? Did she hurt you at some point, and hurt you so deeply, that the mere memory makes you sick to your stomach so you are subconsciously seeking a late revenge? You wound up with her so you must love her deeply and deeply enough to want to spend the rest of your life with her.
Or maybe you are just a thrill seeker who gets a rush from sleeping around. The same rush that people get when they jump out of planes with a parachute strapped to their back.
Oh, and don’t forget you are also playing Russian roulette with a plethora of STD’s.
You still have a lot to learn, about yourself and about each other. You are grown up, but you still have a lot of growing to do, epecially together. Understanding what love means is to understand each other.
Love is different for everyone and is unique in every situation. Love cannot be defined and knows no boundries. Love is patient, love is kind. You are not being patient nor kind
There is a simple solution. You either stop cheating on your wife or you don’t. Black or white. There is no grey area here. Yes or no.
My advice is to just stop. Stop!!
I think you are addicted to sex. You need to make your wife the center of your world and treat her with the respect she deserves. She is who you chose to be with, your one and only. Your forever and a day. Do you understand forever? Apparently not. You need to and you need to resolve whatever issue it is that you have that causes you to behave this way. You have already taken the first step by admitting your problem to Ask Us and now it is time to get your brain working on your triggers. What compels you to be unfaithful? Alcohol? Revenge? The thrill of the chase? Time to grow up, accept responsibility and commit to your commitment. Keep it in your pants, have sex with your wife often. Include romance into your relationship, whatever that may mean for the both of you. Remember what made you love her in the first place. Your love will continue to change and grow and you must grow with it. You have put yourself in an unhealthy state of arrested development, in other words, you are not growing! GROW UP!
Just stop it. Quit cold turkey and communicate with your wife what you are lacking in your marriage. It will do you both a world of good. It’s too soon to say goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. . Give love and life with her a chance.
Check back Friday for Skippy’s advice. What did you think about Robyn’s advice? Comment below!