Here is your first problem: Being too nice.
Here is your second problem: Moving in together after only four months.
Here is your third problem: Taking her back into your home.
She sounds like a leech. She is sucking you dry, draining your chi, and not giving anything in return. Unless the sex is good. If the sex is good then it is still not worth it. She is manipulative. She uses her weakness to use you so you will pity her. Hey, you came to her rescue once before, why not use the damsel in distress card over and over?
Let me get this straight; she ran to the arms of her ex boyfriend when you decided you couldn’t help her with her addiction? Red light on co-dependance. She is also a substance abuser, which means she has no self control. Are you afraid to take more drastic measures with her? I have a hard time imagining how you continue to cohabitate after you asked her to leave. Does she think you are going to take it all back? I am assuming you explained to her why you asked her to go. My guess is that she didn’t listen (duh) and she has a pretty cushy life with you and your money. She is also delusional. There is only one thing you can do with delusional people: Lay it out for them, draw them a picture, shout, don’t stutter, BALLS TO THE WALL SAY IT LIKE IT IS.
When we talk to delusional people without speaking in absolutes, they can hear, nay, SENSE the weakness behind the words. When using words and phrases such as “its like this” or “I think” or “kind of,” they hear what they want to hear because there is no totality, no condition to what you are saying. You know how they say everyone learns in a different way? Well, the same goes for communication skills. She hears what she wants to hear and dismisses these statements because of their weakness. I know this is how your conversation went because she has refused to leave. You obviously didn’t speak to her in absolutes. START SPEAKING TO HER IN ABSOLUTES.
Let me get you started. Instead of saying “You need to go,” say “IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO GO.” Instead of saying “I think it is over,” say “IT IS OVER.” Instead of saying “I think you need help,” say “YOU NEED HELP.” After you have communicated these very basic points, and keep it basic, then you have to take some drastic measures. Yes, an intervention is in order. It is time to call in the reinforcements.
You say that her family would be fine if she moved back home? This is good news! They can help you. Call them. Tell them the situation, be honest, speak in absolutes and say to them that they need to physically remove her from your home. If they refuse, then you need to call in a different source of reinforcement. Your family, your best friend, your trusty coworker. You obviously can’t do this alone. It is helpful to have back up to support you and to validate your feelings. They can also provide another resource for communication. It is easy to get emotional while this process is taking place. It will be difficult to keep your cool. Having someone standing behind you the whole way will help keep a level playing field.
If things get too out of control, too emotional and possibly even violent, then you will have witnesses. The authorities may need to be called and she will need to be physically removed from the premises. Do NOT physically remove her yourself for obvious reasons. Then you must issue a restraining order. In fact, if you truly want her out of your life for good, do this any way no matter how she leaves. It is time to start thinking in absolutes. I know this is going to be hard, but do it as soon as possible, no excuses! Rip the band aid off quickly and be done with it!
The only other option is to sell the house and move out yourself. Don’t do that. She can’t be that daft, can she?
You are a good man for being someones ‘knight in shining armor,’ but now you know that happily ever after is not all it’s cracked up to be. The sooner you both can move on the better. Also, keep the dogs. They will keep you sane after you finally get rid of crazy.
Check back Friday for Skippy’s response. What advice would you give Broke, Exhausted and Over It? What did you think about Robyn’s advice? Comment below!