Dear I’m Not Fat, I’m Big Boned,
You have a very serious problem on your hands. I have heard of sightings of UFO’s in Colorado and I believe that no one has ever come forth with such an unbelievable experience before. As unbelievable it is, I believe you. My grandfather once claimed he saw a UFO flying over the Hudson. I don’t know if he was ever abducted to the extent that you have been, but anything is possible I suppose. And, to clear up any confusion, you have been abducted by aliens.
Here is a step by step guide to affirming that you were, indeed, abducted by aliens:
- Are you experiencing time loss? This is usually the first sign that you have been abducted. You could have sworn it was nine o’clock at night and all of a sudden it’s one in the morning. Time flies when your having fun, right? Or when you are under the influence of alien technology and anesthesia.
- Do you have weird marks or tags on your skin? The aliens will have most likely tied you down in some way to keep you still for their experimentation. Check your wrists, legs, torso for any sign that you were held down. Then do a complete body once-over and check for anything that might look like they have tagged you. As animals are tagged in the wild, so will the aliens want to keep track of you, the chosen one, for their experiments.
- Are there strange footprints or scorch marks around your house? Check the yard for any tell-tale signs that you, indeed, had visitors in the dead of the night. If you were dragged down the hallway, they must have parked nearby. No tractor beams for you, I’m afraid. Check yourself for rug burn and if you have it, I advise you to visit your local pharmacy for the proper ointment.
- Is there something unusual coming out of your ass? You have already established that something is, therefore, a conclusion can be made that you were not only probed anally but carry a device of some importance. In you ass. Keep the hemorrhoid cream handy, my friend, numbing your ass will get you through the worst of it.
- Do you have any weird physical ailments? You say you are farting fire. I am trying to decide if you are literally farting fire, or you eat too much Indian food. Gas-ex and a fire extinguisher are your best bet in this situation.
We have established you have been abducted, and returned to your home planet by aliens. What happens next?
You will most likely go through these stages:
Stage 1: Denial
Your friends and family are trying to convince you that it didn’t happen. You are confused and their explanations about it being “just a dream” are sounding better and better the more you hear them. You will then tell yourself it was all a nightmare and you are “fine.” Nothing to worry about.
Stage 2: Anger
But you do worry. Every time something comes out of your ass that shouldn’t, you find that you are not able to deny things so easily. You will start to ask yourself “why me?” without getting a proper answer. You will most likely take your anger out on your friends and family for being so nonsupporting of your traumatic experience.
Stage 3: Bargaining
You will start to think in terms of “if only.” These thoughts will consist of: If only I….. didn’t live in Northern Colorado….. never had to go to sleep…. didn’t have such a nice ass. You may even start bargaining with a higher power in order to regain control of your situation. You will be consumed by your thoughts which will lead to stage 4.
Stage 4: Depression
You will become sad. You will feel alone and seek out a way to find happiness again. You may become a hermit and deny the world around you. Or, you may feel like you should self destruct. Take some time for yourself to work through these thoughts and remember to treat yourself kindly. You will get through this!
Stage 5: Acceptance
So it happened to you. Big deal. Hey, maybe you are so special and being a “chosen one” is a great honor in the alien society! Maybe there are big plans for you in this world, or even on another! You could someday be a hero! You will be a hero if it’s the last thing you do! Buck up, kiddo! This is your destiny!!
These aliens will come back for you, and when they do be ready! I always say that making new friends and exploring new places will expand your mind and make your life a whole lot more meaningful. When you see them again, learn to communicate with them like Kevin Costner did with the Native Americans in Dances with Wolves. I think you should look at this as a once in a lifetime opportunity. Find that superhero within you and soar beyond the stars!
What did you think about Robyn’s advice? Do you have any advice that would be helpful this week? Write your comments below and don’t forget to check back on Friday for Skippy’s advice!