Dear Broken Up and Bothered;
I have said this before and apparently I have to say it again. Your ex is your ex for a reason.
There are 7 billion people on the planet Earth and approximately 49% of them are men. It might be time for you to look elsewhere. Why are you so desperate to get back together with this person?
Don’t tell me you aren’t desperate. You are. You had a relationship with this guy. It didn’t work out. Now you’re trying to get back together with him. To the point where you asked us “should I do whatever it takes to get back together”.
Whatever it takes to get back together? Such as poisoning children? Gassing Jews? Running over old ladies as they cross the street? You are oozing desperation. The first thing you need to do is (wait for it . . .) ask yourself “What am I contributing to this problem?”
You are contributing desperation.
1. You are trying to rebuild something that has already failed.
2. You are clinging to something that has already failed under the illusion that it will not fail if you try again.
3. You yourself stated is that he doesn’t trust you. The reason he doesn’t trust you is because you are not trustworthy. Therefore your third problem is that you cannot be trusted.
Summing things up so far: You are an untrustworthy person who is desperately obsessed with one man with whom you want to have a relationship. In other words you are a stalker.
Let’s move to the main question about conditions. Get ready to have your feelings hurt.
All love is conditional.
All this shit you’ve heard about unconditional love is exactly that. Excrement. It’s people who are either lying to you or lying to themselves. All love is conditional.
People say “I have unconditional love for my children”. Bullshit. Your love for your children is not unconditional. Your love for your children is conditional upon them being your children. There are more conditions involved I guarantee but their love for their children starts with that condition.
My love for every woman I’ve ever been in love with was conditional upon them being women. It was also conditional upon them having sex with me.
If you’re a homosexual man who’s in love with another homosexual man your love for him is conditional upon him being a homosexual man.
Many people have love conditional upon not having sex with other people, or voting Democrat, or texting each other every day and blah blah blab on and on. And guess what . . .
Conditions are a good thing.
It’s not having conditions (and their counterpart standards) that cause problems. Most of the relationship questions Robyn and I get arise from somebody in the relationship not having any conditions and standards for themselves and the person they are in a relationship with.
You should consider yourself fortunate he is putting the conditions for a relationship right out in the open up front. This is exactly what most people don’t do and what leads to their problems later. Then they have to write to Ask Us Collins and say:
“Dear Robin and Skippy. My boyfriend is having sex with other girls and I don’t know what to do. I just assumed that he would magically know that we were supposed to be totally monogamous and we’ve never actually discussed this but he’s supposed to be a mind reader and know everything I’m thinking without me having to talk about it because we girls are so great at communication except that we don’t actually want to communicate with anybody except on Facebook and Pintrest and SnapChat and how can I twist this around to make him a bad person so that I can feel good about myself because I know it’s impossible for me to have contributed to this problem at all because I am perfect and boys are all broken and stupid?”
And the questions we’ve gotten from some boys aren’t any better.
Since your ex-boyfriend knows you can’t be trusted why does he want to be your boyfriend again? I do believe I smell a bit of desperation oozing out of his pores as well. The fact that he’s setting conditions at the beginning of your renewed relationship tells me he knows he’s about to walk into a giant pile of drama. Are either of you in theatre by chance?
Is your ex-boyfriend aware that there are 7 billion people on the planet Earth and approximately 51% of them are women? Is he aware that Fort Collins has a large number of young, beautiful, mostly sane, intelligent women? I don’t think he is.
Should you do whatever it takes to get back together? No.
1. This is a train wreck which has already happened once and is going to happen again. Each of you need to get over the oneitis that you’re infected with and try talking to other people. Oneitis is usually seen as being a mental disorder which only affects men but I would say women are susceptible as well.
2. You are untrustworthy. You need to engage in some self-examination and determine what is the root cause of your untrustworthiness and fix that. Until you can be trusted by another person you’re never going to be able to have a successful relationship.
3. Determine what your standards and conditions are for yourself and the person you’re in a relationship with. Know them and communicate them. You should not do “whatever it takes” to be in a relationship. There is nothing sane or healthy about that.
Do not attempt to reanimate dead relationships. Necrophilia is funny in jokes and dramatic in movies. In real life it’s just sick. Fix yourself first. Know what you are looking for second. Then you can find a relationship that will work for. Knowing the conditions for a relationship with this guy up front is a blessing not a curse. Most people could only be so lucky.