Dear Miserable in Marriage,
RED FLAG! The ref is calling a time out! Communication problem code red! You have been married only two years and all of a sudden your husband has decided he is bi-sexual? This is not going to go away. This is how he was born, it is not a choice. There is nothing wrong with him, this is not a disease, it is a state of being. I feel for you in that he figured this out after you were married. And, I don’t think you have been as happily married as you have expressed. Was there something that happened recently that suddenly brought these feelings to the surface? Has he ever brought this up with you before? He must have if your weren’t too surprised to hear his confession. Was it swept under the rug and suddenly found it’s way out?
What irks me about this situation is that the choice he did make, to commit himself to you, is the choice he should stick to. Not because you are a woman but because he chose YOU and loved YOU in all that you are. If he had chosen a man to have and to hold I would say the same thing. This is falling into the realm of cheating and no one deserves to be cheated on. Now, I know there is such a thing as an open marriage, but I think it is pretty late in the game to start considering that route, and it sounds like you don’t want to. You always have a choice though.
I am trying to put myself in your shoes. I would do just about anything for my husband, I love him so dearly. But I would not do everything for him. It’s not that it is another man, I am NOT anti gay. I have several close gay and bisexual friends and I love them dearly. I fully support anyone’s sexual orientation. I do not support cheating. Think about this; what if it were a woman he wanted to cheat on you with? It is no different, even if it may feel different. You are not in an “agreed to” open marriage and therefore do not have to agree to this. Cheating is cheating. Period.
Life is not black and white, there are many grey areas that we fall into. Marriage is one of those. It is about compromise and not extremes. This is not a compromise. It is an extreme. It is putting you down in your worth to the relationship. There is something missing here that I can’t quite put my finger on. If you don’t tell him how you really feel, he will believe that nothing will change. Instead, you will be heartbroken and will never fully forgive him for this selfish choice he has made. This is going to hurt any way that you look at it. This is a marriage problem, not a bisexuality problem. It is time to re-evaluate your marriage.
The way I see it, you have three options.
Seek Counsel Together
Relationships are constantly changing no matter what may come their way. Whether you like it or not, you relationship has come to a U turn. It has changed in a major way. You will need to go to counseling, seek professional help and dig deep into yourselves in order to continue down the monogamous path. What is done is done and what was said has been said, you cannot change that. You cannot change him, you cannot change yourself, you can only learn and grow together in your bond. Let no one come between that. You will learn a lot about yourselves so be ready for the nitty gritty and do not expect this to go away overnight. You will find out from there whether this makes or breaks your relationship. You may even need to counsel on your own and I suggest you both do this as well as counsel together. Sometimes it is difficult to say the things you need to say in front of each other.
Acceptance and a New Path
This would be the realm of the open marriage concept. Your marriage would become more like a loving companionship with a revolving door. If you chose this route I would suggest you find your own way to express yourself sexually. Make sure it is what you really want. Think about the consequences (least of which being STD’s) and I would urge you to think long and hard on this one. Your life may even veer back into monogamy, but don’t bet the farm on that just yet. I would also suggest counseling in this instance, in fact, I wouldn’t do this without professional guidance.
Separation and/or Divorce
First, seek counseling. Don’t just jump into divorce. You don’t jump into marriage, so why would you jump into a divorce? Try to work things out and then, if you really, really can’t handle it you need to separate. If it is going to send your whole life spiraling downwards. If you know yourself enough to KNOW you can’t do this, that it WILL destroy you, then you must protect yourself and get out completely. It’s sad, it’s extreme, but things change, people change and no one should sacrifice their happiness for someone else. It should be about making each other happy.
It is time for you to start thinking about yourself and your future without sacrificing your own happiness. Be strong, communicate and seek counseling. Your next step will become apparent as soon as you start working through things together.
Check back Friday for Skippy’s advice! Meanwhile, what do you think about Robyn’s advice? Comment below!