Dear Miserable in Marriage;
Ah marriage. The centrepiece of our society. And by society I mean income stream for divorce lawyers.
Let’s start with my favourite question. What have you contributed to this?
Other than the mistake of getting married you made the additional mistake of being “under the impression that when you get married you chose a partner for life.” Being “under impressions” is like making an assumption. I bring this up because unless your husband said “I’ll never have sex with another person who isn’t you” then you shouldn’t have been under this impression.
Like most people you got married without having conversations about deeply held beliefs and values. You figured that love would sort things out and after the day of magic everything would just fall into place and storybook ending would take effect.
All the focus on “My Day” prevented you from focusing on more important things.
Give me a lie for a lie.
So you told him experimenting with men was fine by you but in reality it isn’t. Lying is not going to fix this and it sounds like you know it. Putting aside your needs for his needs sounds noble. It’s really just stupid. It also brings up the problem of why would you expect him to be honest with you if you are not going to be honest with him?
Honesty is like respect. It has to be earned. If you want to earn his honesty you are going to have to be honest as well.
Speaking of honesty . . . You indicate that you fear he will have sex with other guys behind your back if you say no to his request. If you believe he would lie to you about having sex with other people then why did you marry him?
Which part of “think before getting married” is confusing to everyone?
Why do people get married and not have conversations about things like:
- Do you want children?
- What city and state do you want to live in?
- Do you expect to be monogamous?
This is really basic shit. People put more effort into choosing a cell phone than choosing someone to marry. In fact the only thing people think about less than getting married is having children.
But it’s too late for all this. You’ve done the dirty and tied the knot. You’ve lied to him. You suspect he will lie to you. He wants to experiment. You don’t want him to experiment. Everyone say it with me . . .
You Can’t Control Other People.
If you being happy depends on his actions or inactions you’re screwed. And not the good kind of screwed like being on the receiving end of a Slow Train in Old Town. This is the bad kinda screwed. Or maybe the good kind since you’ll get 50% of everything he owns in the divorce.
Yes. I said “the divorce”. Divorce lawyers are standing by the phones right now. Call today. Since you and your husband decided not to have adult conversations prior to marriage about things like monogamy it’s now time for you to involve lawyers.
- You’ll give the lawyers lots of money. They have boat payments to make.
- You’ll learn to hate each other. Because you mistakenly thought everything would just work out.
- You’ll have a judge make decisions for you. Because you didn’t make good decisions for yourself.
Or instead of calling lawyers you could make a go at having the adult conversations you should have had then now and this time don’t lie to him about how you feel. Maybe you can find an arrangement that works for everyone. And if not it’s back to the divorce lawyers.