I recently came across an article that had real questions from Yahoo Answers that were, for lack of a better term, just plain stupid.  I find it really hard to believe that they are serious questions that people ask.  I got to reading the article and realized that these people are serious. I want to give the world the benefit of the doubt, but it is impossible when I come across something like this.  People are dumb.  I thought that I would take some of my favorites this week and answer them, She Says style.  Remember, I am not making these questions up. These are actual questions from real people. Enjoy.

Do midgets have night vision?

This question is not only stupid, but racist.  The PC term is “little people.” Saying “midget” is like calling a black guy the “n” word (rhymes with trigger).  This person obviously doesn’t see little people as, well, people.  What do you think they are?   And why would they have “night vision?”  To compensate for their height?  This is not the way the world works.

Are skeletons real or made up?

This is like asking if you have to breathe to stay alive.  I do wonder if a grown adult asked this question, and, as far as I can tell, they did.  A grown human being.  With a full grown skeleton.  Obviously, this person has never had an x-ray.

What if the girl I knocked up isn’t really the mom?

This guy.  This is a prime example of someone who shouldn’t be breeding in the first place.  Can we do the world a favor and sterilize him, please?  We do not need stupid breeding stupid.  I need to add that this question was followed by a girl who didn’t think her daughter THAT SHE GAVE BIRTH TO was hers.  She thought that somehow her cheating boyfriend somehow carried an egg in his sperm and shot it into her womb.  Medically impossible.  Stupid people should not breed.

Can I tell by my husband’s gas if he is cheating on me?

I don’t even know what to say about this one.  Can you tell by a compass which way the wind is shining? It just doesn’t make sense.  Maybe he is cheating on his diet by eating weird food.  Fucking someone else does not change someones farts.  Though, it would be a brilliant natural lie detector.

Are there any autographs of Jesus Christ?

Yes, and Santa and the Tooth Fairy.

Are there any birds in Canada?

Why the fuck wouldn’t there be any birds in Canada?  All those geese who take over Fort Collins in the winter time, in case anyone locally didn’t know, are from Canada.  Granted, Canada is fucking cold but not that cold.

Will humans ever be able to walk on the Sun?

NO!!!  The Sun is a big ball of burning gasses and, like, hotter than anything your tiny brain could imagine.  Not only is it impossible, but it is fucking impossible.

How can I change my race?

NO!!  Even Michael Jackson had to claim his African American heritage after he became a white woman.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved his music but what a weirdo.

Can you lose weight by rubbing your stomach?

If this were true, I would sit around rubbing my stomach all day long.  Sorry, it is not that easy.  You have to put in the time and work out for those killer abs.

Why does my cat vibrate?

Do you mean purring?  PURRING.  Your cat is not a sex toy, it does not vibrate.

If Batman’s parents are dead, then how was he born?

You know that scene in Terminator 2 where Arnold just shows up, bare ass naked.  Yeah, that was how it happened with Batman.  Come on, really?  He was born before they died!!!  Learn your origin stories. Fuck.

How many calories are in a booger?

How many boogers is this person eating every day?  And why would you want to eat your own boogers?  I can’t think why anyone over the age of three would even venture down this path.

 

So there you have it, some words of wisdom to start your week off right.  And, people of Yahoo Answers, do the world a favor and really think about what you are asking next time.  You cannot possibly be this stupid.

Happy Monday everyone.