So you want to go out to eat do you?  At a restaurant I mean.  Not that kind of eating out.

For Those Of You Who Don’t Have Children.

There will always be bad parents who take misbehaving children into public places. Especially restaurants. There’s nothing you can do about parents being inconsiderate of others but you can minimize the chances of your exposure.

Some restaurants are more “kid friendly” than other restaurants. Kid friendly means adult hostile.

Indicators that a restaurant is kid friendly:

• Does the restaurant have kids menus?
• Does the hostess stand have a supply of crayons and colouring books?
• Does the restaurant have a kids eat free day?
• Does the restaurant have a box of children’s toys or a play section?

These are all indicators you should do elsewhere if you want a quiet meal in the presence of other adults who know how to speak with their inside voices. I’ll grant you even some adults don’t know about inside voices but we can talk about cell phone uses some other time.

If you go to a kid friendly restaurant and find yourself being annoyed by other people’s children you only have yourself to blame. This would be like going to a bar and being offended to find out people are using e-cigarettes. You would only have yourself to blame. Oh wait, actually you would pass an ordinance against e-cigarettes and ban them because you can’t stand when other people do things you don’t like because you’re a puritan.

After all if you don’t like e-cigs they should be banned but if other people don’t like your children those people should shut the fuck up right?

But I digress.

As someone who does not own a child (yes, children are property in the minds of their parents) you need to understand that the vast majority of parents believe you adore their children. If you don’t want to have their children intruding upon your personal space there is something wrong with you and you must be fixed.

You say “But Skippy. Ill behaved children are obnoxiously loud. Plus children are germ factories. Here in the People’s Republic of Fort Collins where we have an ordinance against everything there must be an ordinance against children in restaurants going to the buffet and touching every cookie with their unwashed hands.”

You would think that. It would make sense. Not going to happen. Bad parents are a large and loud voting block. Add to that how easily the voting sheep are swayed by cries of “for the children” and the odds of an ordinance against children touching food on the buffet is pretty slim. Besides there are bigger things for the puritan government of Fort Collins to concern itself with. Like determining exactly the right time to ban recreational marijuana dispensaries in the city limits and kill more jobs.

It’s up to you to do your best to avoid restaurants that attract parents with children. Heed the warning signs and choose your destination wisely.

For Those Of You Who Have Children.

Is it really necessary to take your children to a restaurant?

Are you not capable of preparing food at home? For some of you the answer this question is “no”. You actually don’t know how to prepare food. There is a word for animals that cannot prepare their own food. That word is “extinct”.

If you are not capable of preparing food at home should you be reproducing?

Raising children is expensive. Do you have enough money in your bank account to pay for your children? The upcoming doctor and dentist visits. The eye exams. The clothing. The school supplies. The college tuition. Do you have that much money in your bank account right now?

If you do not can you really afford to be going out to eat?

If you can afford to go out to eat why can’t you afford to hire a babysitter? If you can’t afford a babysitter why do you think you can afford to go out to eat?

If you can afford to go out to eat can you afford to leave a reasonable tip? I was a host at a restaurant for three years. Parents with children (as if there’s any such thing as parents without children) were hated by the waitstaff. Why? Shitty tipping, over demanding and leaving a disater in their wake. I would receive death threats from waitstaff after seating families in their section. I also got bribes from waitstaff to make sure children didn’t end up in their sections.

Not only do the other customers of the restaurant not want to deal with your child making noise, throwing food, and snotting all over the place but neither does the staff of the restaurant. Your server does not want to have to clean up your child’s mess.

At some point in your child’s life he or she will become capable of behaving in a restaurant. Until that day comes either hire a babysitter or order takeout.