Good job. You took Robyn and Skippy’s advice when we wrote Dating To Impress: Destinations in Fort Collins. You took some hottie out on the town and now y’all are hot-n-heavy. Good job. Your next challenge is to avoid making a baby before you’re ready.
1. Spending time at Chuck E. Cheese.
Robyn says: Arguing, shouting, crying. And that’s just the parents. Nothing makes my legs lock faster than any time spent here watching other people’s kids misbehave.
Skippy says: Children running wild demanding attention. Spend an hour here. Now imagine you life is like this 24 hours a day.
2. Spending time at Cool Beans.
Skippy says: Drinking coffee while the kids run wild will not make it any better. Spend an hour here. Imagine this is your life. With or without coffee.
Robyn says: Once again, children behaving badly. Not sexy.
3. An I.U.D.
Robyn says: Ladies, I don’t have one, nor have I ever had one (I prefer Nuvaring) but I do have friends who have had them. They do hurt to get implanted, but I hear after that first couple of days they are ideal. Do your research before you get one though and always consult your doctor before making your decision.
Skippy says: The third most effective for of birth control. I’ve been told that in order to get an I.U.D. doctors prefer you have already had a child and you are in a relationship with a man. So much for owning your own body. Pharmaceutical corporations make a ton of money on birth control pills. They make next to nothing on I.U.D.s. Think about it next time you are telling me how much you hate the corporations.
4. Abstinence (that means not having sex).
Skippy says: The second most effective for of birth control. You can’t win if you don’t play. Effective but not an option for most people.
Robyn says: Abstaining from sex is about the only fool proof way. I couldn’t do it, though.
5. Only date ugly people and stay sober.
Robyn says: If you aren’t attracted to them then you wont want to fuck ’em. Staying away from “beer goggles” is a must for guaranteed birth control.
Skippy says: Alcohol is responsible for many children. Now that weed is legal I wonder how many children will be born thanks to an evening of smoking a bag of green.
6. Homosexual sex.
Skippy says: If you get pregnant from homosexual sex then you will become famous. Talk about immaculate conception. Bonus points if one of you gets pregnant and you’re both men. This method is effective but not an option for everyone.
Robyn says: All the fun without the worry!
7. Babysitting for your friends. Or enemies.
Robyn says: Unless your friends have great kids, but even then they can be exhausting.
Skippy says: Before you buy a car you should rent the same make and model for a test drive. Before making a baby get paid to test drive one.
Skippy says: The most effective for of birth control. I challenge you to get pregnant. Or get a woman pregnant.
Robyn says: It is much easier for the men folk to get this done. Fellas, if you don’t ever EVER want kids, just save yourselves the headache and get this done now. A little outpatient snip and you are good to go.
9. Exclusively using sex toys.
Robyn says: Ladies, two words: The Rabbit. You may have seen this particular sex toy on an episode of Sex and the City. I love mine. I think my husband is even a little bit jealous of it. His nickname is Richard and he moves like no man can. Best $90 I ever spent. Yes, they are pricy but worth it.
Skippy says: Sex toys rock. Don’t be intimidated by ’em boys. Buying sex toys for your girl is way more fun than buying toys for your kids. Plus these toys you’ll never outgrow.
10. Oral sex.
Skippy says: Say what? Oh yea . . . talk to me.
Robyn says: Make sure it’s 50/50. Us ladies get burned sometimes. Not that I am holding a grudge or anything. Fellas, be nice to the V. We have to basically unhinge our jaws, try not to give in to our gag reflex while finding a way to breathe and looking sexy at the same time. It’s not easy.
11. Spend all your time playing computer games and texting. AKA having no social skills.
Robyn says: I hear on some computer games you can go have sex with other characters. And then there is sexting. Both very sterile options.
Skippy says: If you never talk to a girl you’ll never fuck a girl. If you ignore every boy around you you’ll never get fucked.
Skippy says: There isn’t an ordinance against it in Fort Collins. Yet.
Robyn says: Masturbation is sex with someone you love.
13. Watching baseball.
Robyn says: There is nothing sexy about baseball. Unless you count eating hot dogs while watching the game. I guess that phallic symbol is kinda suggestive; if you like your penis covered in mustard and stuffed between two buns.
Skippy says: I’m not sure why watching baseball is effective birth control. I’ve never managed to stay awake more than 10 minutes into a game.