Dear Forever Friend-zoned;

What is the secret to getting out of the friend zone?

Lots and lots of effort. I mean metric shit-tons of effort. I don’t know exactly how much a metric shit-ton is but that’s how much effort you need to get out of the friend-zone. Here is the real secret to getting out of the friend zone.

Don’t bother trying. It’s not worth it.

I know. You think these chycks who are friends of yours are so hot and fuckable that you should get out of the friend-zone and get into their pussy. I don’t know if you’ve looked up from your cell phone lately but here in FoCo there are hot chycks everywhere. I’m sitting next to one at Equinox right now and have to force myself to ignore her (not quite true, done talked to her once) so that I can make my deadline to publish this. (She left before I was finished. You were sitting in my writing space. Have your service call my service and let’s do lunch.)

Why do you not try to get out of the friend-zone? Stand in Old Town and throw a rock. Within that distance will be 10 girls you can fuck with the lights on. You are better off meeting new girls who don’t already regard you as an orbital. Changing a girls perception of you from “orbital” to “fuck machine” takes too much effort. Invest that effort in new girls.

How do I avoid getting there in the first place?

By not going there. Women don’t put you in the friend zone. You put you in the friend zone. Stop it.

You get friend-zoned because women are comfortable around you. The feel safe and secure. They have no fear at all that you will fuck them and shoot your cum in their faces.  They have no romantic attraction to you because comfortable is boring.  You let them feel comfortable. If she’s comfortable around you that’s your fault not hers.

To avoid going into the friend-zone you must be the kind of man women want to fuck.

• Do you fawn over her?
• Do you compliment her?
• Do you pick up heavy objects for her?
• Do you text her all day long?
• Are you friends with her on Facebook?
• Do you agree with everything she says?
• Are you her emotional tampon?
• Do you spend money on her?

That’s why you are friend-zoned. That’s why you are an orbital.

I should define orbital. An orbital is a man a woman keeps around to make her feel good and to move heavy objects. Men become orbitals because they are under the impression that if they are just nice enough the chyck will finally have sex with them. Chycks know how to manipulate this and keep the orbitals orbiting, doing favours for them and generally serving as emotional tampons.

To get some insight into the mind of chycks read E. Jean’s column.

Here’s one of my favourite E. Jean questions summarized. “I’m engaged to a rich man who bought me a new car and engagement ring. However I’m fucking an unemployed man who lives with his parents. What should I do.” This is woman. Don’t hate them for what they are. Recognize what they are and work with it.

Women don’t like fucking “nice guys”. They like fucking scumbags who live at home with mommy and don’t have a job. Women have a hard time filtering “confidence” from “asshole” or “sociopath”. Have you ever played the lawyer & convict pick-up game? Telling a women you just got out of prison is one of the fastest ways to get laid.

You shouldn’t actually be a scumbag. You need to create the impression in a woman’s subconscious that you are a scumbag so she will find you sexually attractive. This means changing the way you interact with women. This is also why it will almost never work with women who already regard you as an orbital. Those women will have already formed an impression of your personality and when your personality changes they will be more baffled by the change than sexually attracted. You want to start with a clean slate.

Avoiding The Friend-zone:

1. Don’t agree with her when you don’t agree with her.

When she is wrong say so in no uncertain terms. Women exist in an echo chamber. No man will disagree with a woman because he is ether

• Afraid of being called sexist (which is how women deal with disagreement) or
• Desperate to have sex with her and thinks agreeing is the path to pussy.

Disagreeing with her will show her you have a spine and an opinion. This triggers a chycks build in desire for a man who is confident. Chycks don’t like spineless men.

2. Physical escalation.

Touch her. Move her from one place to another. Go to the bar, get your beers and after she pays for the beers walk her to a table with your hand in the small of her back.

Take her hand while walking down the street.

While she’s playing pinball come (not cum) up behind her and put your hands on her hips.

Swat her ass. In public. Orbitals don’t swat a girl on the ass. You must indicate that you are a man who just might fuck her at any moment and that you are not afraid of physical contact.

Most men will avoid physical contact because of the fear a woman might call it sexual harassment. And she might. You need to find out if you the woman you are talking to is a feminist within the first 15 minutes and if so you need to move on. Remember, a feminist needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. As a man you need a woman who isn’t broken. Don’t waste your time on feminists.

3. Do not be an emotional tampon.

She wants to talk about her feelings. Fuck her feelings. She had a bad day at work. Why is that your problem? If you allow a woman to dump her negative emotions on you she will associate you with negative emotions. This is called anchoring.

When spending time with a woman you should engage in a fun activity and keep conversation positive, fluid and sexually charged. When she starts talking about her emotional problems firmly guide the conversation away from them.

4. Make sexual comments and jokes.

If she’s offended by sexual comments and jokes how do you think she feels about sex? Always push the boundaries. This doesn’t mean you have to be rude or crass. Subtle is better.

Every sentence shouldn’t hold a dick joke. Hold a dick? Get it? Spread them out. Spread them? Get it? Be subtle. Don’t beat her over the head or you’ll be beating off by yourself.

5. Take away her cell phone.

If you are on a “date” and she is texting someone else you will not be fucking her. Take the phone away from her, tell her you’ll hold it for her, and put it in your pocket. Turn it off as you pocket it.

As long as her cell phone is more important than you the chance of you fucking her is zero.

6.  Don’t spend money on her.

Don’t.

Don’t park in the friend-zone. Keep your car in the fast lane or you’ll never get there.