It’s one of the things people do in Fort Collins. Like getting stoned every day. Like walking away without picking up your dog’s shit. Bitching about the land whales is part of the culture.

For those of you new to town “land whales” are trains.

The city of Fort Collins has another survey on the internet. When the city puts a survey on the internet this is a sign that they have already decided to pass a law or spend some money. The survey is there to gather “evidence” that the public supports the decision that has already been made. This one is called the Railroad Delays Public Input Survey.

The city wants to know “are the land whales bothering you” so they could figure out what to do about it. I mean justify spending money they have already decided to spend.

This whole obsession people in Fort Collins have with the land whales is something that has always fascinated me. I’m from Texas and where I’m from most all the small towns have railroad tracks running through the middle of them. What they don’t have is railroad switching yards in the middle of town.

In Texas we are smart enough not to build a city around the switching yard. Nor do we build public roads through switching yards. Switching yards are mating grounds for land whales. That’s where the land whales copulate. It’s not a place for driving to the store or going to work.

Apparently in Colorado people are not that intelligent. As I like to remind anybody who starts bitching about the train in my presence “The train was here first.”

Maybe we could take some of the energy that’s put into complaining about trains . . . on the train track . . . in the switchyard . . . switching . . . and put that effort into doing historical research to find out the names of the idiots who thought that building the city where the switchyard is that was a really good idea.

Then we can have an educational campaign. “Don’t be stupid and build on the switchyard like Bob and George did.”

I find it amusing that in the introduction to this survey one of the bullet points is “identify near-term actions the railroads could take, if any, to improve the situation”. The train was here first. Why should the railroad be taking actions so as to not inconvenient the people who were dumb enough to build their city around the switchyard?

Furthermore why should the railroad company spend time, resources, and money to accommodate people who have elected a city government not smart enough to build an overpass.

  • I realize the train goes back and forth on the tracks really slowly for a long time sometimes. That’s how the land whales mate.
  • I realize that most people are not smart enough to think ahead. They don’t leave location A, travelling to location B, and give themselves additional time to reroute in case of delays.
  • I realize that most people don’t have an alternative route between locations A and B which allows them to get around the railroad tracks when the land whales are engaging in their mating rituals.


So perhaps the fact that most people in Fort Collins are not intelligent explains why none of you are smart enough to figure out what an overpass is.

In the great state of Texas where I hail from damn near every town, towns as small as 1000 people, has either an overpass or an underpass for automobiles to get from one side of the railroad track to the other. I don’t know why this is so complicated for those of you in Fort Collins to understand. Marijuana is one strong possibility. Or it might be the prevalence of liberal arts degrees.

What solution is the city of Fort Collins considering? Variable message boards.

By “considering” I mean “already decided on and now attempting to create support for.”

“The study will investigate the use of Variable Message Boards which potentially could be placed along major streets well in advance of the railroad crossings so motorists can learn of train activity and consider other options.”

What this tells me is that somebody who sells variable message boards has a friend working at the city of Fort Collins. This is not only an example of corruption, it is also an example of stupidity.

Variable message boards? You mean smart phones? You mean that device that 99% of the population already has in their pocket? Instead of building, operating and maintaining variable message boards why don’t you just write an app for that?

Oh wait. There’s already an app for that. It’s called Waze. Download the fucking app. Stop taking selfies of yourself long enough to fucking use Waze to report the train blocking the road or to see if someone else has reported a train blocking the road. It’s not that fucking hard. You are really fucking stupid.

One of the biggest problems Fort Collins has is that it is mostly populated by upper-middle-class to rich white people who don’t face any real problems in their life.

  • No one in Fort Collins is dying of starvation.
  • Nobody in Fort Collins is getting killed by flying robots.
  • Nobody in Fort Collins is raping 14-year-old girls and then stoning them to death because they’re not virgins anymore.
  • Nobody in Fort Collins is wondering where they can find clean water.


Because of all this first world luxury people in Fort Collins desperately need to seek out problems they can use as an excuse for their failures.

“I couldn’t get to work on time today because . . . the train.” How many times have you heard it. For once in your life tell the truth. “I was late for work today because I was on Facebook looking at my own selfies.”

The solution to dealing with land whales mating in the centre of town is really easy.

1. Don’t build your city around the land whales mating territory. Too late for this one.

2. Install the Waze app on your cell phone.

3. Build an overpass over the land whales mating zone.


Hating On The Land Whales — No Comments

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