Dear Flirty McFlirtPants;

When you flirt with a normal man he will assume one of two things.

1. You want to screw him.
2. You want him to buy you a drink because you’ve confused him with an ATM.

Actions do have unintended consequences. While your friends may interpret your flirting as what you mean it to be people who don’t know you as well may interpret it differently. It’s not wise to not assume your actions and motivations are clearly understood by others. Especially others who don’t know you well. Understanding this is important to moving through life without friction.

All the more so when the person on the receiving end of the flirting is a man. Men have been shown over and over to think a woman is flirting with them even when she isn’t. Women have been shown over and over to think a man isn’t flirting with them even when he is.

Oh my, the genders think differently. Who knew?

You are gonna have to be aware that not everyone sees the world your way. Sometimes you are gonna have to turn the flirting down from eleven to one.

Thus, step number one is – as it always is – to acknowledge what you contributed to the situation, take responsibility for it, learn from it and move on.

What’s done is done. You’ve arrived at the bridge and now you have to cross it or burn it.

Crossing The Bridge

Should you tell your friend?  Of course.

The unknown factor to me, as you haven’t addressed it, and maybe to you as well, is the circumstances of their marriage. Are your friends in a monogamous relationship? What does “monogamous” mean in 2013? Does sending out masturbation videos violate any agreements of their marriage? Will she consider that cheating?

I don’t know the answer to those questions. I hope however that your friend and her husband know the answer to those questions. If they have an agreement that this sort of behaviour is acceptable in their relationship then all is good. If it’s not acceptable then it’s better they hammer it out now and not later.

Pre-marriage Conversations

Before they got married – before anyone gets married – at some point they should sit down and come to an agreement on what is out of bounds and what isn’t. I know back in the old days when you had to walk up hill in the snow 25 miles to get married it was assumed that marriage meant never again having any contact with the opposite sex in any physical or emotionally meaningful context.

Now days it just isn’t so. I know a couple who made audio recordings of their S&M threesums with their slave and put them on the internet. Open marriages and triads are becoming more common. The rules have changed. I don’t know the rules of this marriage but if they want it to last your friend and her husband need to know the rules and this seems like a good time to start.

Burning The Bridge

What if this knowledge causes a rift in their marriage? If they are not sexually compatible they should move on from each other and find someone they are compatible with. If you buy some shoes and they don’t fit you take ’em back to the store and exchange them. Yes, you should have tried the shoes on before you bought them but you didn’t did ya? One shouldn’t assume the shoes are gonna fit.

We live in a world where you can instantly communicate with people around the world yet one person can’t look at the other person while in the room together and ask “After we get married how do you feel about me sexting your friends?” No no. Don’t ask. Just go ahead and do it. How could you possibly get caught?

I Digress

You wrote “but if this happened with me then I know it has to have happened with other women” as part of your rationalization process. I know you are just trying to make sure all the responsibility for the mess is shifted to him but unless you have actual evidence he is sexting other women you might wanna tone that down. Maybe he is. Maybe his isn’t. Accusations require evidence.

By the way Ask Us readers, the 1950s called and said “It’s 2013. Sexting is here to stay.”

Should You? Yes.

You will not be able to maintain normality (whatever normal is) the next time you meet him in person if you don’t tell her. None at all. It will degenerate into a total train wreck. Trust me on this.

Yes you should tell her. She’s your “oldest friend” and you actually have to ask? Yes she needs to hammer out the boundaries of her marriage with her husband. Yes there will be blood.  She might hate you now but she will appreciate you later.