Ya know what’s great about being me? Other than having sex with your girlfriend that is. Not having to care about pop culture. Not only do I not care about pop culture – I’m hardly even aware of pop culture.

Of course so people would say I’m hardly even aware. At all.

Speaking of things I’m hardly aware of . . . Fifty Shades of Grey. Apparently there is now a movie based on the book which was originally a piece of Twilight fan fiction.

And apparently I’m suppose to care. I have to write this post so I’ve got to care a little.

Are people getting their panties in a wad over this movie? I don’t really know. Because I don’t really care. But I’m sure there are. Many of you have too much free time. And need a good spanking.

Many years ago a move called The Last Temptation of Christ came out. Not the Mel Gibson movie. This was way before that. Many people got offended about how Jesus was portrayed in this movie and so they protested outside the theatres.

And it was the best advertising money could never buy.

Years after this movie was gone from theatres I watched it. It was terrible. Had there been no protesters no one would have gone to see this giant turd.

I suspect the same may hold true for Fifty Shades of Grey. If anyone is getting upset and bitching about this movie that is only going to drive people to spend money seeing it.

Here is what I know about Fifty Shades of Grey. Don’t mistake any of this for caring. Nor should you conclude I have read the book or seen the movie. I suffered through all three books of the Hunger Games series and that’s all the mindless self-absorbed chyck-lit I can stand for now.

1. Anastasia “Ana” Steele and Christian Grey are exactly the kind of names a twelve year old would come up with for characters in crappy fan fiction.

2. FSoG was originally a piece of crappy fan fiction. The literary reviews reflect this.

3. Anastasia has never used a computer and doesn’t know how to use email or google.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ha.

4. Women across the United States are creaming their panties for a fictitious man who was sexually abused as a child and as a result wants to abuse and dominate women, including controlling what they eat. Yet when I tell one of these women to put down the McDonalds and shut the fuck up I’m a misogynist.

Move along folks. There really is nothing to see here. Nothing at all.

Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t a sign of moral decay. It’s a sign of what is true.

1. People will pay money to watch shitty movies.

I’ve known this for years.

2. A large percentage of the female population desires to be emotionally, physically and sexually abused.

I’ve known this for years.

3. Women try to pretend they aren’t driven by a desire to have sex with rich men but are in fact driven almost entirely by their desire to have sex with rich men.

I’ve known this for years.

4. Women will waste their lives doing things like reading poorly written books about sex because other women are doing it and women are driven by their desire to conform.

I’ve know this for years.

One of the keys to life is work with what you’ve got. And what have we got here? A glimpse into the female brain.

FSoG is a short cut to understanding the intentions and uses of any given woman. All you have to do is ask her “Did you read Fifty Shades of Grey and see the movie?”

If she hasn’t read the book or seen the movie she is what politically incorrect people like me call normal. Statistically speaking this is a woman you have a chance of forming a stable long term relationship with. If that’s your sort of thing.

If she has read the books and seen the movie she is what politically incorrect people like me call broken. Statistically speaking this is a woman you smack around, use, have violent sex with for a few weeks, then dump. if that’s your sort of thing. Make damn sure you don’t get her pregnant. Stick to anal. She’ll like that.

Where she lands between the two poles tells you how close she is likely to be to either.

Some folks even did a study about female behaviour and Fifty Shades of Grey reading.

Results: One-third of subjects read Fifty Shades (18.6%, or 122/655, read all three novels, and 14.8%, or 97/655, read at least the first novel but not all three). In age- and race-adjusted models, compared with nonreaders, females who read at least the first novel (but not all three) were more likely than nonreaders to have had, during their lifetime, a partner who shouted, yelled, or swore at them (relative risk [RR]=1.25) and who delivered unwanted calls/text messages (RR=1.34); they were also more likely to report fasting (RR=1.80) and using diet aids (RR=1.77) at some point during their lifetime. Compared with nonreaders, females who read all three novels were more likely to report binge drinking in the last month (RR=1.65) and to report using diet aids (RR=1.65) and having five or more intercourse partners during their lifetime (RR=1.63).

I bet you are shocked. I’m not. I’ve know this for years.

Fifty Shades of Grey is not a bad thing. Don’t protest or get upset and help sell tickets. Don’t act like the end times have arrived. FSoG is simply one more tool you can use to assist identifying women who are suitable for what you have in mind. Whatever that may be. Think for yourself and stop over reacting.