The geniuses who brought you the MAX Transhit Boondoggle (a brilliant plan to reduce traffic downtown) are now bringing you parking meters in Old Town. The “official” word is that no decisions have been made yet. If you believe that you’re a special kind of stupid. The parking meters are coming back.

And you need to learn to be okay with this. You elected the government of Fort Collins to make decisions for you. They’re making decisions for you. Shut up and obey. This is democracy.

Why You Should Pay For Parking In Old Town

1. I bike or walk to Old Town.

Screw you.

2. Automobiles cause global warming.

You don’t . . . deny . . . global warming do you?

3. Parking cost money.

Those parking places have to be cleaned. All that trash that you people couldn’t manage to get into one of the many trash cans in Old Town and subsequently ends up in the street has to be cleaned up.

Additionally the Meter Maids (I’m pretty sure that’s a politically incorrect title for them and that’s why I’m using it) who give you parking tickets need to be paid. And the city’s share of their taxes and benefits must be paid.

The city had to buy those scooter-cars they drive around in. The city had to buy those trucks with the camera that driver around recording license plates. These vehicles need fuel and maintenance.

Once all these expenditures are factored in the city is probably loosing money. Losing money is what governments do.

You don’t . . . deny . . . the $18 trillion national debt do you?

Right now those of us who don’t park in Old Town are subsidizing your parking. It’s time for you to grow up and start paying your fair share.

4. Why the hell aren’t you taking the MAX?

The MAX has alleviated parking and traffic issues in Fort Collins. The MAX serves all your needs for getting to Old Town. It’s easy, fun, convenient, hip and cool.

You don’t . . . deny . . . the MAX Transhit Boondoggle do you?

Will Parking Meters Destroy Old Town?

Old Town is already dead. It’s in zombie mode right now. Has anyone noticed the turn over of businesses there?

There are some businesses that have been in Old Town forever and I have no idea how they survive.

There are the bars. We know how they survive.

There are the corporate entities. They survive via corporate welfare and government bailouts.

Add to this rising rent cost which has driven out some small businesses and what do you get?

Centerra.

Why Don’t People Use The Existing Parking Garages?

There happen to be two parking garages in Old Town and I’ve never seem them full yet. Are people going to use those? No. According to one quote I read on the internet (thus it must be true) some people don’t know the parking garages exist.

Because when you are driving around in circles looking for a parking place how would you notice that four story building filled with parked cars? How could you notice the signs on the street with the “P” and the arrows pointing to parking? This is Fort Collins. The Choice City. Who the hell reads street signs?

Enough Of My Bitching

Ask Us Fort Collins is here to help. Robyn and I are about solutions.

I’ve got some alternatives the city could consider before installing parking meters in Old Town.

1. Establish a bus system. We could have a bus that goes back and forth along one street all day long.

Except on Sunday ’cause that’s the day everyone stays home and talks to the invisible man who lives in the sky. So we don’t need the bus to run on Sunday. Who would go to Old Town on Sunday? I’ve been to Old Town on Sunday. It’s a ghost town. No one is there.

And the bus should stop running at midnight because the bars close at 2am. The idea of having the bus running after the bars close so the drunk people can get home without driving is stupid. That would cut into the number of DUIs and DUIs are big money.

This bus system should have it’s own Twitter account.

This would totally solve the parking problem in Old Town.

2. Ya know that stadium CSU is going to build on campus and use 8 times a year? When CSU isn’t playing football in the stadium they could let people park inside it.

For a fee of course. You get parking. CSU makes money. it’s a win-win.

The Only Reason You Can Find A Parking Place Now

Next time you drive to Old Town and park follow this procedure:

1. Walking from your car to your destination ask each person you pass “Did you ride your bike or walk to Old Town?”

2. When the first person answers “Yes” to that question:

a. Ask him to stop.

b. Go behind him.

c. Get on your knees.

d. Reach around his waist, unfasten his pants, pull down his pants and underwear.

e. Kiss his naked ass.

Why? Because those of us who don’t drive to Old Town and take up parking places are the reason you can find a parking place in Old Town. If everyone drove to Old Town there really would be “no parking”.

Parking Meters in Old Town? Hell Yes!

Shut up and ride the MAX. You people wanted it. You got it. Use it. I’m sick of your whining. It’s not going to kill you to pay for parking. If you have money to spend in the stores and bars in Old Town then you have money to park your car.