Men. Can’t live with em…

Can’t kill ’em… I mean… live without ’em.

I think that one of natures cruelest jokes is that we are put on this Earth to not only procreate with the opposite sex, but co-habitate with them as well. I mean, how can one species be so different from one another? OK so we don’t have to co-habitate with one another. I used to think that my life would be a lot easier if I were a lesbian, but then again, there is a whole new set of problems with that scenario. Besides, I like penis too much.

This rant is for all the nice girls out there that finish last.

We are constantly hearing about nice guys finishing last and how they get pushed aside for the assholes etc etc… But what about the nice girls? Nice girls also finish last. I know because I was one and I got pushed aside for some crazy ass bitches. It made me harden my heart and become kind of bitchy myself. Now I have a wonderful husband who is a nice guy. Was I a bitch to get him? No. But he left me for a bitch and then realized his mistake. I swore I wouldn’t take him back but I am glad I did.

Before I start really ranting, I want to make it clear that not all men are like this. These are observations not only from me, but other women who I asked what their complaints were when it came to the opposite sex. I love the men in my life, and all the shithead ones I’ve kicked out. In fact, I have more guy friends than girl friends.

This just needs to be said. For women’s sake.

Men complain that women are “too complicated.”

Like that’s a bad thing? What do you want us to be? Simpletons? Let me tell you something, we actually make it pretty darned easy for you. What’s wrong with paying for dinner for us? Buying us flowers once in a while? Making us feel special? I am telling you, you men will get a hell of a lot more blow jobs if you treat us well. I think you just pretend that women are complicated because you are lazy.

 

Men live in a perpetual state of “little boy”

I think video games are to blame here. Put down the damn controller, stop the one-upmanship with your friends and read a book for fuck sake. You remember books? What? NO, NOT COMIC BOOKS, BOOKS!! With chapters and words and characters and story. I am so sick of listening to guys talk about comic books and video games. Can we talk about something else? Can we just go into the bedroom and have sex instead? Thank you.

Men have a “grass is always greener complex”

Or the “I want” complex. Men are never satisfied with what they have. They are constantly wanting an upgrade on, well, everything. This is the process:

I want the thing.

I am going to get the thing.

I got the thing.

I want the better thing.

Repeat.

They also do this with people, especially girls. Let me tell you that the “thing” is not necessarily “better,” it’s just different. Why can’t you just work with what you have? Sometimes you get to where you think the grass is actually greener and there is dog poop all over the lawn. Then you want to go back to what you had, but it is not that easy. Then you get angry that it is not that easy and so on and so forth. It is a vicious cycle that you never seem to learn.

Men think women want “porn sex”

And by porn sex I mean the ball slapping hard sex that exists in every porn. OK, we do want that once in a while, but most of the time you need to be nice to our lady bits. We don’t want a pounding, we want to be lured into it, lubricated with our own wetness and then we can talk about getting freaky. Fellas, our pussies go through a lot. Take care of us and we will take care of you…or beware of too much teeth. You know what I mean.

My last bit of advice:

Guys, if you are having a problem with a woman in your life, I want you to do something really difficult… TALK TO HER.  Did I say difficult? Oh yeah, because that is another thing that men lack, sharing their feelings. They say the truth hurts, but at least the truth gets out there. No leading us on, no fucking around, just talk about shit. It’s not that difficult. Do everyone a favor and don’t lead us on or hide behind a mask that when we pull off later reveals the true asshole. Ladies, you too, be real with each other.

Go into a relationship with your eyes wide open, not half shut.

The last word:

I love men and I hope all the men who read this don’t take too much offense. I hope that you can see what, from a female perspective, bothers us the most.

This is my last post on Ask Us Fort Collins. I hope my knowledge and insight on life has helped at least one person, because that is what I set out to do. Take care of yourself, Fort Collins. Thank you for reading.

Tune in for what Skippy has to say to my post tomorrow.