Dear Baffled by Boyfriend;

You are making this harder than it needs to be. Get it? Harder?

But seriously. You can’t seem to stay away from each other. Except for those times when you break up. Then you can’t seem to stay together.

In order to figure out what’s going on here you’re gonna need to answer some questions. You need your answers and you need his answers to these questions. That means you have to talk about this stuff. You know why relationships fail? I do. It’s because people don’t want to talk about things such as “where do you want this relationship to go” because they are scared of ruining what they have now. And that’s how you get stuck in the now.

Sound familiar?

Thus you spend time with someone who isn’t compatible with your long term goals. When instead you should be actively looking for someone who is compatible with your goals. Those goals might be marriage and kids, or it might be a series of one night stands until you are 40 years old and living with 17 cats, or anything in between.

There are two ways to approach life.

You can take what comes or you can make what comes. Taking what comes is the path most people choose. It’s easy and requires little thinking. Making what comes requires you to set a direction. It also requires being honest with yourself and others about where you want to go with your life.

People who take what comes have the attitude of “I’m going to cling to this relationship because something better may never come along.”

People who make what comes have the attitude of “This person and I don’t have the same end destination in mind. It would be better for both of us to end this relationship so we can each find someone who is perfect for us sooner rather than later.”

You may be clinging. Out of insecurity and out of ignorance of what you want your future to look like. He may be clinging as well.

It’s also possible this guy is simply keeping you around for sex between his other adventures. Or he may simply be young and stupid.

I was once young and stupid. Still am depending on who you ask. I dated a woman for over a year who’s goal was to get married and make babies. I don’t want babies. Finally she broke up with me as she was the one smart enough to realize we were wasting our time with each other. Looking back at the situation I appreciate her having the balls to do what I didn’t have the balls to do. And I learned from it.

I understand why you don’t want to ask him if he loves you or only loves the sex. You’ve got something good going in the moment and you don’t want to ruin it. Moments are good things. Life is made up of moments.

But if you only live in the moment your forward momentum is going to suffer. Sometimes you have to sacrifice in the moment for the long term greater goals. Ruining what you have right now may be exactly what you have to do in order to have what you want in the future.

Here are the questions for you to ask yourself and him.

Question one. Why do the two of you keep breaking up?

Evidently something is lacking somewhere in the relationship. If everything were unicorns and rainbows there wouldn’t be any breaking up going on.

You claim that you “feel like we may finally be on the right path”, “seem to be on the same page with everything” and “things are really going well”. None of those statements actually mean anything. There are no specifics or details in them.

Make a list of 15 things you believe the two of you are on the same page with and show it to him. Ask if he agrees. If he does, great. If he doesn’t, re-evaluate.

Question two. What are each of you looking for?

Do you want an on/off relationship? Long term open relationship? Long term monogamous relationship? Open marriage? Closed marriage? Babies? No babies? If you two don’t have the same destination in mind you’re gonna need to stop carpooling together.

You don’t always get what you want but if you don’t know what you want then you aren’t going to recognize it when it arrives. Of course there is something to be said for not knowing what you want and being open to discovery. Good things can happen that way. But if you haven’t discovered something solid with him over these eight years I suspect you aren’t going to discover it any time soon.

It may be time to choose where you’d like to arrive.

Once you have decided what you want you are going to have to find out what he wants and how he feels about you. His feelings and desires may coincide with yours or they may not.

Question three. Why do the two of you keep getting back together?

Is it because you really are in love and want to spend your lives together? Is it because neither of you can be bothered to talk to anyone else and thus never meet potential new partners? Is it something else?

Now I’ll actually answer your questions.

What should you do? Once informed by the answers both of you have to these questions you can make an informed decision about where you stand and what you should do. Ask yourself the questions. Ask him the questions.  Take action based on the answers.

How can you talk to him without making it a big issue? You can’t. You’ve devoted eight years of your life to this person. It is a big issue. It’s a critical issue.  Treat it as such.