Dear Baffled by Boyfriend,
Eight years is a long time to be with someone who is reluctant to tell you he loves you. This kind of question makes me thankful that you will also get a perspective from the male point of view on Friday when Skippy writes his post. I haven’t quite figured out how the male mind works, if I had then I would probably write a book and make a lot of money. All I can do is speculate and analyze and guess and contemplate.
I question this lack of commitment that you both seem to fall into. The ups and downs of your relationship concerns me. I understand the magnet factor, how you can’t seem to stay away from each other. My husband and I experienced the very same thing at the beginning of our relationship. In fact, we had a really bad break up where I vowed never to speak to him again. I had gone back to too many of my ex boyfriends that I had learned my lesson that history usually repeats itself. But, we couldn’t stay away from each other. It’s six years later and I couldn’t love him more. I don’t want you to think that just because my husband and I beat the odds, that you will too. I went against what I believed and wound up marrying a wonderful man. We both just had a bit more to learn about ourselves before we could truly be with each other.
I am of the belief that there are several different kinds of love. You love your parents differently from how you love your best friend or your boyfriend or your cousin, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, neighbor… Not only are there different kinds of love, but people tend to speak in different love languages.
Here are some examples of the different ways people know how to express love.
The Passion of Love: This is the kind of love that is fast and furious. Fueled by sex and driven by the chemistry that fills our basic needs for human closeness. This kind of love usually evokes that giddy feeling and is the cause of many a butterfly fluttering in your stomach. You can’t wait to see that person again, hold them, feel them. You are in a physical state of love and usually this happens at the beginning of a relationship when everything is new and exciting. You have yet to really dig down and see the truth about the person you are with. In other words, you have yet to find out who they really are and what they are all about.
The Gift of Love: This is the kind of love that is shown through giving gifts, presents, trinkets, anything that can be purchased. Sometimes people don’t know how to express their love in words or physical touch and chose to express their affection through tokens. Usually this is a result of a certain kind of upbringing, but that is another subject for another day.
The Affirmation of Love: This is the person who can’t stop saying that they love you, over and over again every day with words and praises. Usually they need to hear praise back in order to feel loved. They will shower you with words until they may not even hold meaning for you anymore, unless you speak the same love language. The opposite end of that is someone who doesn’t need to hear it, who feels like it holds more meaning to say “I love you” every once in a while at the right moment.
These three examples are very superficial and are usually found in some sort of combination in relationships. The only way that you know that you really and truly love someone is if you can love them as much on their very best day as you can on their very worst day. Ask yourself if you and your boyfriend have seen each other at your very best and very worst and if there was still love between you. If you have not, then I doubt you are in love. I don’t know why you keep breaking up, but it sounds like when things get rough one of you bails out.
I think that you are stuck in the “passion of love” phase and what you and your boyfriend are experiencing is a love of the physical relationship that you have. It makes sense because you keep going back to each other again and again. You have never quite reached another phase of love or at least, you didn’t mention anything else. He is telling you he loves you only during sex because that is what he loves about the two of you together. I am sure that he likes aspects of your personality, hair color, and so on and so forth. The thing that he loves the most is the sex. This is not a realized true love.
My advice is to stay with him as long as you are aware that you will never have a deeper love with this guy. Enjoy the sex! When you are ready for something more, don’t waste your time and move on. The love you are looking for is out there, just be patient and it will come (not cum!)
Check back on Friday for Skippy’s post. Do you have any advice for Baffled by Boyfriend? Comment below!