This one is for the boys. No gurlz allowed in the club house. Go away now.

Hi guys. We made it through Valentines Day. Hunting season is now open. It’s time to go out and bang – I mean bag – yourself a girl friend. What’s that? You already had a girl friend you say? You’re doing it wrong.

Lesson One: Mid November through Valentines Day is GFAS. That’s Girl Friend Avoidance Season. If you have a girl friend during that part of the year she is going to:

  • Expect you to meet her parents and family at Thanksgiving.
  • Expect you to meet them again at Christmas.
  • Expect you to buy her stuff at Christmas.
  • Expect you to take her “some place nice” on New Years and get her drunk on expensive bubbly.
  • Expect you to be romantic on Valentines Day. Note that “romantic” to most girls means “spend lots of money”.

All this add up to you having a bad time and running up credit card debt. The smart money says being single during this time of the year is the best thing that can happen to you. Now it’s time to celebrate. Girl Friend Avoidance Season is over! Celebrate by hitting on some hotties.

Unless you’ve got a really good girl.

Lesson Two: Good girls (and you know what I mean by good girls) are hard to find. If you’ve got a good girl then treat her right.

When Valentines Day rolls around it’s okay to get her something nice. Something nice is not anything that involves gold or diamonds. That’s something stupid. Something nice means something practical. Something that appeals to her interests. Something the two of you can use together. Something that she will use often and think of you when she’s using it.

Like a washing machine or vacuum cleaner.

I’m kidding. I’M KIDDING! Relax girls. And why are you reading this? I said no gurlz allowed.

Besides, if a girl doesn’t already have a washer & dryer and vacuum cleaner why would you date her?

I’m not pointing out any more jokes in this post. If you gurlz are going to read this you’ll have to figure it out on your own.

Boys! Get your girl something good. Like a snowboard. A bicycle. Scuba gear. Sex toys. A basketball goal and ball.

Notice what these all have in common. They encourage and enable a girl to get off her sexy ass and do something physical. In theory with you. But even after she dumps your ass (for writing in to Ask Us Fort Collins with a question about how to get your girl friend to agree to a threesum with you, her and her little sister) she will keep using that item. And each time she uses it she will think of you.

Do not give a girl (for any holiday):

  • An animal.
  • Flowers.
  • Dinner at a restaurant.

Lesson Three: An animal is just like a baby. Welcome only when expected.

Animals require care and are a commitment for the life of the animal. Never force that upon another person. Animals are not gifts. Ever.

Lesson Four: Do not give a woman “flowers” in the traditional sense.

The flowers you get from a florist are beautiful. Just like girls. And they smell good. Just like girls. And they eventually die. Just like girls. So ask yourself this. Do you really think your girl wants another girl?

Wait. Maybe that’s not the best way to think about it. Let me try that again.

Cut flowers are pretty but ephemeral. Get your girl a flowering plant. One that’s alive. If a girl can’t keep a plant alive how is she going to raise your children and do your laundry?

Now she has flowers that last more than two weeks. She can talk to the plant. Probably about what an asshole you are but if she’s telling the plant about your faults then you don’t have to hear about them. And that’s gonna save you hours of time a day.

I have a plant I got from an ex and the damn thing is nearly taking over my kitchen. Of course had she taken over my kitchen and cooked for me she wouldn’t be my ex.

If your girl is really deserving give her a carnivorous plant.

Lesson Five: Do not take your girl to a restaurant for Valentines Day.

Valentines Day and Mother’s Day are the days restaurants love best. It’s when they take the excess stock that is getting freezer burned ’cause it isn’t moving, make it the “special” and charge you an extra $5 for it. For more insight on why you should avoid restaurants read Waiter Rant (non-fiction) and watch the movie Waiting (fiction which is actually a documentary). I’ve worked in restaurants. Both of these are 100% accurate.

Instead? Cook for your girl.

Yes. I said cook. Don’t look at me like that.

There is a word for animals that can not prepair their own food.


Lesson Six: If you’ve got a great girl every day should be Valentines Day. If you need the corporations and the sheeple of society to give you permission to treat your girl the way she deserves then maybe you shouldn’t have a girl.

This doesn’t mean give her a present every day. This means give her your presence every day. Five minutes of undivided attention, a good swat on the ass and holding her hand in public go a long way.

It also means that you do something to improve yourself every day. For two reasons.

1. If she’s a great girl then she deserves a man who is getting better every day.

2. When you break up with her you’ll replace her faster if you haven’t degenerated into a fat boy who plays computer games all day.

There it is boys. That’s everything you need to know to navigate the hazards of V-Day. You’ve got a whole year to get ready for its next coming. Start to acquaint yourself with how an oven works. You’ll thank me when you don’t spend $130 at a restaurant and still get a blowjob.

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