I predicted many moons ago that by the year 2015 Fort Collins would be a shit hole. It’s not a shit hole yet. Only because no one has bothered to dig the hole. Otherwise the People’s Republic of Fort Collins is well on it’s way to becoming a clone of the People’s Republic of Boulder.

Boulder sucks. It’s a fact.

Fort Collins isn’t far behind. It’s a fact.

Indicators That FoCo Is On The Way Out:

1. Architecture. Have you noticed all the new apartment complexes going up around town? They are uglier than roadkill. These structures scream out “over-privileged wanna-be hippie” and only appeal to the banal upper-middle-class white people who work at Otterbox and college students surviving on Daddy’s credit card.

You may recall that several years ago some idiot tried to burn down one of these puke-pastel hippie nests. He set it on fire. He got arrested. He should have gotten a medal, a can of gasoline and a book of matches.

Speaking of setting things on fire . . .

2. Weed. FoCo loves to smoke some dope. And by “some” I mean “all day”. I can smell the dope inside my house with the windows open. Fucking Christ on a stick how much dope can you people smoke?

I go to the liquor store but I’ve never stood outside the door waiting for the liquor store to open.

I go to the hardware store but I’ve never stood outside the door waiting for Ace to open.

People stand outside the doors of the marijuana dispensary waiting for it to open. You losers have successfully placed yourself in the same class as the tools who stand outside Apple stores waiting for the newest iPhone.

Speaking of smoking . . .

3. The Smoking Ban. The idiots you nitwits have elected have gone from banning smoking in bars and some hotel rooms to banning smoking in all motel rooms and outdoors in parks. Not only smoking actual tobacco cigarettes but e-cigarettes as well.

Why have e-cigs been banned? No one is really sure but it seems to have something to do with “the children”.

Speaking of your overlords in local government, how about . . .

4. Sales Tax. The Fort Collins sales tax of 7.35% is moving closer to Boulder’s 8.36%.

The only escape is to leave the city limits and go to some foreign land to spend your money.

Speaking of foreigners . . .

5. Immigrants. The Californian’s keep coming to Fort Collins. It wouldn’t be that big of deal except they want to change Fort Collins to be more like California. Thus we get the smoking ban supported by people who smoke weed.

And we get . . .

6. Prius. Priuses. Priusi. What the fuck is the plural of Prius? Why does the Prius even exist? Oh yea, so people can destroy the environment but still feel good about it. The same reason recycling is a thing. Hippies drink bottled water which is driven across the country in trucks burning fossil fuel but alleviate their guilt by tossing the bottle into a recycle bin. Which often goes to a landfill, not a recycling centre.

Nothing says “I’m better than you because I care about the environment” like driving down the street in a car running on batteries manufactured with heavy metals mined by slave labour in Africa while texting on an iPhone manufactured by slave labour in China. Way to stick it to the corporations.

I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about protectin’ the earth and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets I hate em! I wanna kick em in the nuts! –Eric Cartman

Speaking of corporations . . .

7. Old Town. It’s going corporate. As the rent goes up the local business are dropping out and being replaced by chains. And breweries. Fuck knows I love a good beer but damn. Does Old Town really need one more brewery?

Red Table bit the dust some time back and it looks like Astoria will be next to go.

Speaking of Old Town . . .

8. Dog Shit on the Sidewalk. Over privileged dog owners have concluded that their dog can shit on the sidewalk and the shit should remain there for you to enjoy it. These are the same dog owners who think you must obey the law about not smoking within 20 feet of a door but they can ignore the law about having their dog on a leash and picking up the dog’s shit.

Speaking of sidewalks . . .

9. Vomit on the Sidewalk. Not too far away from the dog shit you had to step over you are going to find a splatter of vomit from an over privileged college student. They ruin FoCo 9 months out of the year. Why shouldn’t they expel the contents of their stomachs onto the sidewalk as well?

Speaking of college students and dog shit (but I repeat myself) . . .

10. The Impending Football Stadium on CSU Campus. You think the traffic and noise sucks now. Just wait.

Speaking of traffic . . .

11. Fort Collins Drivers. Last week Kristin and Skippy commented about Fort Collins drivers. It hasn’t gotten any better this week.

Speaking of stupid people . . .

12. Stupid People With Petitions. Recently it’s been a new animal shelter and fraking.

I worked for a fraking company for two and a half years. I know more about fraking than you ever will. You learned about fracking from reading a blog post. Shut the fuck up and get away from me.

As for your animal shelter – if you want it then build it. Yourself. Instead of sitting outside the library hounding (get it, hounding, animal shelter, get it) people to vote for money to build an animal shelter why don’t you get a job and donate all the money you make to building the animal shelter.

Speaking of money . . .

13. The Max Transhit Boondoggle. It’s the year 2014 and Fort Collins unveils the newest innovation in transportation. A bus. Yes. A motor bus. 1895 called. They want their technology back.

Oh Fort Collins. You really know how to live on the cutting edge. The main advantage of the Max Transhit Boondoggle is that it makes all the eco-douches cream their panties. Of course none of them ride the Max Transhit. They are too busy cruising around in their Priuses.

Speaking of echo-douches . . .

14. Hippies.

Want More? Read More.

  • Skippy Responds To Robyn: How Do Homeless People Affort Booze and Smokes?
  • Wisdom: 18 Birth Control Methods That Don’t Work (Regardless of what you read on the interwebz.)Wisdom: 18 Birth Control Methods That Don’t Work (Regardless of what you read on the interwebz.)
  • Unsolicited Advice: Bad Bar Behaviour Be Damned
  • He Says: Spring Break Survival GuideHe Says: Spring Break Survival Guide
  • Wisdom: 13 Reasons to Go Out and Get A Beer in Fort CollinsWisdom: 13 Reasons to Go Out and Get A Beer in Fort Collins


He Says: Why Fort Collins Is Becoming Boulder – Not Bolder — 2 Comments

  1. Just for clarification Skippy. Are you saying you’ve never puked on a sidewalk? Not even on your birthday? That’s pretty rad. Keep up the good work!

    • I would never barf n a sidewalk. No matter how much free vodka I drink. Were I going to barf at the PGA in Florida on my birthday I would do it in the parking lot. If I were to do such a thing. Which I wouldn’t of course.


Leave a Reply