Dear Not Krazy About Kinky,

Woman to woman I need to level with you. You. Have. To. Tell. Him. You are still a virgin and you expect to go in without mentioning this to someone who practically has a doctorate in sex? You are out of your mind if you think that it will be a good experience for you if you just go along “ho hum-ing” thing whole thing. I made that same mistake. Not that the guy I lost my virginity to was into kinky sex, but he was older and more experienced and I felt like I shouldn’t tell him. I thought it would scare him. I thought he would never do it with me if he knew. That seems like a lot of responsibility, taking someones virginity, and I thought he would just see me as a silly nineteen year old. Honestly I should never have been with him in the first place.

Was my first time awkward? Oh yeah. It was ridiculous. Painful. Not sexy. I left with this sense of unfulfilled expectations and it was totally my fault. I wish I had told him. I wish I had been weaned into the experience. Not that it was ALL bad, just not what I expected. Kind of like going to Prom, you always imagine it being this spectacular thing and in the end it is just crepe paper hung in the gym, bad music and even worse dancing.

You ask how you should tell him that you are a virgin? The answer is you just tell him, as soon as possible. Don’t make a big deal out of it, just be frank.

Now as far as kinky-ness goes, I think you need to do a little self exploring before you enter his world of kink. No one knows your body better than you do so the more exploring you do, the more you will know what you like.

Do you think you will like being whipped or chained up? Will you delight in being spanked and having your hair pulled? OR will he take things too far?

That’s just it. Things can go a bit too far once in the bedroom. You need to make sure that this guy you are seeing is not a controlling, masochistic asshole. It is very easy to become dazzled by fancy cars, dinners and gifts, when really you are just dating the devil in disguise. I am not saying that he is, but I am saying that you had better be careful. Do not put yourself in a dangerous situation. Do not get hurt. Do not let him go too far. You have the right to say no and terminate things at any time.

Now back to finding your kink.

I suggest you start watching some racy videos (AKA Porn). See what turns you on there. Then I suggest you buy yourself some toys. Don’t be afraid to splurge here. The higher the quality, the more fun you are going to have. You want something soft and flesh-like, not those hard, novelty vibrators that don’t really do much.  They are the cheapest and cheap for a reason.

I don’t want you to think that you are about to lose your virginity to a toy, because that is not the case. Stupidly, I used to think that way before I new better. You will thank me for the exploration you are about to do. You will also get to know yourself and help him figure out how to get you “there.”  Women have a horrible history of ignoring their own bodies while men are practically expected to play with themselves as is the “social norm.” It sickens me. We have every right to figure out our bodies and not be sexually repressed in this patriarchal society.

One last thing, if and when you do decide to go all the way with this guy you are seeing, please use the restroom after you have sex. No one told me this. No one told my best friend this. Women need to cleanse the “pipes” after sex. Bacteria gets pushed up there and you will instantly get a UTI. Trust me. I just saved you days of pain. Some doctors call it “honeymoon syndrome” because women would come back from their honeymoons with urinary infections all the time. We know better, and now, you know better.

My last words of wisdom are to just be safe and communicate with your boyfriend. You will find more pleasure with him if you first find pleasure with yourself. Trust me.

The fine print: This week was April Fools week so this question is based on a popular novel. Can you guess which one? Check out last years April Fools Question right here!