Today’s kitty photo features Thumper sent in by Wanda.

Dear There Must Be 50 Ways To Give My Notice;

Breaking up is hard to do. Any time someone is planning to leave a job there are three options.

1. Giving an excessive amount of notice.
2. Giving two weeks notice.
3. Giving notice as your ass is moving out the door.

I have done all three as an employee. I’ve had all three done to me as a hiring authority.

The Resignation Letter

Regardless of the time frame you’re leaving in the resignation letter should always be short and sweet. The body of the resignation letter should consist of one line. The letter should look like this.

Today’s date

I (your name) officially give notice of my resignation from XYZ Corporation effective at close of business on (date of the last day you intend to show up to work).

Your signature

Anything else you put in writing will be used against you. Under no circumstances should your resignation letter looked anything like this.

. . . and blah blah blah for 8 more pages.  No one cares.  Shut up.

Two Weeks:

You should always go with the two weeks notice unless you are in an extreme situation. I don’t know where the two week notice concept came from but it’s the standard in the workplace and having been both a hiring authority and an employee I think two weeks is a reasonable compromise for both sides.

Two weeks notice…

• Gives your employers an opportunity to start the wheels in motion to do something about replacing you.
• Gives you a reasonable amount of time to start handing out your duties to other people.
• Gives you time to train others or create documentation for processes that only you know how to do.
• Minimizes the amount of time you are in the workplace surrounded by people who know you aren’t going to be there much longer.

No employer should have expectations to more than two weeks notice unless you signed something to the contrary when you hired on.

Helpful hint: Everyone knows you are not going to be your most productive during that last two weeks but have some pride and don’t slack off excessively. You can turn it down to about 80% of your usual level of work but no less than that. Do not call in sick on your last day. I’ve had people do that to me.

Two Months:

You can give two months notice if…

• The company and co-workers have been really good to you in the past.
• You have no concerns that they will use your impending escape as an excuse to abuse you.
• They aren’t going to dump shit jobs on you or start blaming you for everything that’s gone wrong.
• You are going to work at another company that does business with the company you currently work for.

Giving more than two weeks notice is only a good idea if you really would like to keep working where you are and the reason you’re moving on is legitimately because you have a bigger and more challenging opportunity some place else.

Two Minutes:

If the employer has been a major scumbag and you don’t mind burning those bridges give notice as you are leaving. Use this method sparingly and only when deserved. Do not use this method to “send a message”. You walking out the door in a rage is not going to change things. Here’s the analogy I always like to use.

If you go to a restaurant and get really bad service you might decide to leave your waitress a 10 cent tip. All in pennies. Your thought process is that she’s going to get the clue that she’s a bad waitress and this will motivate her to improve. You are wrong. I can assure you, from my years of working in restaurants, that the waitress will simply assume you’re an ass hole. No waitress or waiter has ever gotten a tiny tip and remarked “I must really need to improve my table waiting skills.”

You quitting and walking out is the equivalent of the 10 cent tip. Here is an example of a two-minute resignation letter that doesn’t change anything. I’d also like to add that the person who wrote this had four years of kolege edukashun.

The CEO is not going to jump out of his chair and start reformulating the entire company just because you walked out. Management will view you as having the problem not themselves. It’s not worth it. Nor is it your job to fix them. That’s called consulting and it cost more money than you are making.

Why Are You Leaving Us?

When they ask you why you are leaving do not articulate in great depth and detail the reasons why you’re leaving. Keep it short and sweet and open to interpretation. It’s always better to keep people guessing. Some examples would be:

“The new job is a better fit for my personality.”

“They are offering me more money.”

“I want new opportunities to try doing something different.”

“It’s not you. It’s me.”

Approach leaving your job the same way smart men approach breaking up with their girlfriends. Be very gracious about the whole situation because you don’t want her to hate you after you’re not seeing each other any more. If she hates you she’s going to badmouth you to all of her friends and ruin your chances of having sex with them.

You may not want to work for these people any more but one day you might want to work for or with somebody that these people know.

We Need You To Sign This

When leaving the job don’t sign anything. You will be told you have to sign it. You don’t. What are they going to do? Fire you? Any paper they put in front of you on your way out is for their protection at your expense. Don’t sign anything.

If you hate them and they hate you then it’s two minutes notice. The bridge is burned. Don’t look back.

If they have been good to you and gone over and above for you then it’s two months notice. You might even work here again one day in the future.

In all other situations give two weeks notice. It’s the least you can do and the most they should expect.