Skippy Responds to “Basic Bitches” ⋆ He Said/She Said

I’d ‘ave ‘ad this post up sooner but I was out killing people at Wal-Mart for Black Friday.

No. Just kidding. I was bicycle riding for Black Friday. Today was stunningly warm and delicious.

I do wonder however if it’s not fortuitous that I’m writing about Basic Bitches on Black Friday. Wouldn’t it be reasonable to conclude that Black Friday would be the greatest day of the year for Basic Bitches?

The Conversation Went More Or Less Like This. More Or Less.

Skippy: What are you going to write about for Robyn’s Rant this week?

Robyn: Basic Bitches.

Skippy: What the hell is a Basic Bitch?

Robyn: (Explained what Basic Bitches are to me.)

Skippy: Wait. That’s all girls.

Robyn: No. Just the ones you date.

Skippy: True. That’s what I get for only dating hot chycks.

Robyn: There are average looking girls who have personalities and brains you know.

Skippy: Yes but I’m too shallow to date average looking chycks.

Robyn: Then you’re fucked.

Skippy: Yes. Yes I am.

It all goes to show that even someone like me who knows everything can still learn something new now and then.

Let’s Get Something Straight

Ugg boots are hot. Especially with shorts or skirts.

She may or may not be basic but she’s hot and you know it.

You read that right. I said Ugg boots and short skirts are hot. Y’all need to stop player hating on the hotties. I’m an expert on hot chycks and nothing telegraphs “I like spankings” like Ugg boots and short skirts.

Beyond disagreeing about the Uggs I can’t really find too much fault with Robyn’s annoyance with Basic Bitches. They may claim they have BFFs but they are nothing more than BBFs. Basic Bitch Forever.

Basic Bitches are doing their damage to the world I grant you that. What with their extravagant coffee demands at Starbucks, their Paris themed decor (“Decor” isn’t even in my spell check program. Becasue I’m a boy.) from Target (I don’t shop at Target. Because I’m a boy.) and their idolization of Kardashianism (I’m not a chubby chaser so I don’t get that either).

Let’s Put The Blame Where It Belongs.

On men.

Yup. You read that right. Men are to blame for this. Because we put up with the “easy but boring” Basic Bitches. Basic Bitches are good for:

Pumping and dumping.
Licking and sticking.
Find ’em, feed ’em, fuck ’em and leave ’em.
And doing my laundry.

But as the great philosopher Dr. Dre said, “You can’t make a hoe a house wife.”

We men let them get away with being basic. Women will always sink to the lowest level they can get away with. Offended by that girls? Tough shit. It’s the truth and your North Face buying, Starbucks drinking, Taylor Swift listening, clown make-up wearing, Orange Is The New Black watching, Basic Bitch ass knows it.

Don’t get pissed at me for telling the truth. Especially since ever woman alive says shit like “I want a man who is honest” which is the biggest fucking lie ever told.

We can bitch all we want about Basic Bitches but until we stop rewarding them with attention, money and cock they are gonna keep right on being basic. And we still aren’t going to be able to find a good woman worth keeping around for more than a few months.

“Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honour; which is probably more than she ever did.”

— Goucho Marx

What Can We Do About It?

1. Call the Basic Bitches on their shit.

Basic Bitches seldom hear the truth. We men put up with their shit because we want to fuck them.

Example: When she wants coffee refuse to go to Starbucks or Bean Cycle. Go to a real coffee shop like Alley Cat or Mugs. When she orders a “double venti two pump skinny pumpkin spice latte with no foam and extra whip” interrupt her and tell the coffee chyck “She’ll have a cup of house coffee. Medium. Black”.

The less of her shit you put up with the more she will want to fuck you.

2. Challenge Basic Bitches to justify the shit that comes out of their mouths.

Basic Bitches think they are smart because they behave and believe just like everyone else around them. When they say something stupid which they think is enlightened you should intellectually bitch slap their basic asses.

Example: When she says “I think gay marriage should be legal.” Ask her “Why do you think people need permission from the government to get married? Do people own themselves or are they property of the government?” Watch her tiny little brain fry.

Not only will she want to fuck you more if you don’t roll over and play dead when she spews forth her bumper sticker based politics but she might even start thinking.

3. Shame Basic Bitches for being basic.

Shaming has been shamed in a desperate attempt to stop it from happening. Yet the very fact that shaming is working on some people (not on me obviously) to stop shaming shows how effective it actually is.

Example: She says “I want the Complete Friend’s Box DVD set for Christmas.” You say “Maybe if you turn off the TV, put down the phone and take your fat ass out of the house you could have some real friends of your own. Then you wouldn’t need to watch them on TV.”

If you are lucky she will say something back at you about watching porn. This open the door to critique her dead-fish-like sexual performance which I assure you she thinks it top notch.

4. Critique them.

Everyone has room for improvement. Especially a Basic Bitch. You just have to point it out to them.

Example: She is wearing sweat pants that say “Abercrombie” across the ass. I may have misspelled “Abercrombie” but I’m a boy and don’t care how to spell “Abercrombie”. Say to her “Abercrombie sure is a big word. Are you sure you want people to know that word fits on your ass?”

It might piss her off but as my grandmother (who was not basic) would say “It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.” Unless your into water sports that is.