From: Bicycle Riders. To: Idiots. Subject: Stop Being Stupid.

Fort Collins is a “bicycle friendly city” and apparently that means Fort Collins is full of idiots who can’t cope with the fact that bicycles exist.

One of the greatest lines of bullshit I have to listen to is that bicycles are cars and should obey the same laws that cars obey. Were that true bicycles would not be in the bicycle lane. They would be in the car lane.

The fact that you morons are too stupid to tell the difference between a car and a bicycle helps to explain much and is yet another example of why democracy is the problem not the solution.

How’s the hope and change working out for you?

As a person who rides a bike almost daily I have some suggestions for you. Other than the obvious one which is “go fuck yourself”.


1. Learn how a four-way stop sign works.

You morons can’t shut up about how bicycles are suppose to obey the same laws as cars. Which means bikes can travel on the interstate highway. Oh wait . . . they can’t. So much for “obeying the same laws”.

When I come to a four-way stop sign I do this thing called “looking”. It’s very difficult for most of you because you have to take your eyes off your smartphone.

I know. Fucking traumatic right? How can you live without looking at Facebook for more than 3 seconds?

Anyhow, because I’m smarter than you are I can look in multiple directions as I approach the four-way stop. If there are no cars coming I blow through the stop sign and piss you off because you can’t stand the fact that I’m not coming to a stop. Oddly y’all have no problem with the California stops you idiots pull when making right hand turns at red lights.

Anyhow. When there is oncoming traffic at a four-way (stop that is, not sex four-way where stopping is not encourage) I stop just like a car would. Ya know what pisses me the fuck off? When you, an idiot driving a car, come to a stop. Then I come to a stop. Then you sit there waiting for me to go first.

You stopped first. You drive first. Why is this so difficult for you to understand?

Well yes. You are an idiot.

Well yes. You do have a liberal arts degree.

Well yes. You did fall for “change” and “hope”.

I mean other than those . . . why is it so difficult for you to understand?

Don’t sit there in your car waving at me to go first when you were first to stop. If you are too stupid to navigate a four-way stop what makes you think I want to take a chance on riding out in front of you? You’ll probably run me over ’cause you’re an idiot.

Speaking of being run over . . .

2. Get the fuck out of the bike lane.

Pedestrians. Stop walking in the bike lanes. And stop standing in a group in the bike lane having conversations. Step off the bike trail into the grass. No where is this a bigger problem than on CSU campus where all the “educated” people are.

By the way, now that you’ve been graduated for almost 4 months how’s the liberal arts degree working out for you?

Automobiles. The bike lane is not a parking space. Nor is it a right hand turn lane.

You know how pissy you get when a bike is in “your lane”? That’s how we get when your ignorant ass is in our lane.

Speaking of ass . . .


3. Kiss my ass.

I don’t mean this metaphorically. I mean you should kiss my ass.

You idiots with cars can’t shut up about how much the parking in Old Town sucks. When you drive to Old Town and find a parking place that’s because people like me rode our bikes to Old Town and didn’t take up a parking place, thus freeing up a parking spot for you.

Next time you drive to Old Town and park the first thing you should do after getting out of your car is look for someone riding their bike.

Then do this:

  1. Thank that person for freeing up a parking place for you.
  2. Ask him to drop his pants.
  3. Put your lips on his ass.
  4. Kiss it.
  5. Right where the shit comes out.
  6. Ask him to explain how a four way stop works.
  7. Go fuck yourself.

Emma Way tweet

Fort Collins is “bike friendly” my ass.

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