You are not being unreasonable in your desire to find your real father. You shouldn’t just “get over it.” You will never get over it, this is one thing that you can’t just get over. The question of who your father is and your feelings of abandonment will never just go away. I have to warn you though, finding out who your real father is wont make your feelings about him any better either. Someone once told me that sometimes things don’t always get better, they just get different. That is how it would be if you ever found your real father. Things are not going to be better because you meet him and you certainly wont have a better relationship with you mom either.
You must first work on achieving a healthy relationship with your mother.
Understanding where your mom is coming from is the first step to getting her to open up to you. She doesn’t want to tell you who your father really is for a good reason. You obviously don’t know what that reason is, but it is probably a painful one. Whatever led this guy to his decision to be less than a man and walk away from his child hurt her, and she doesn’t want you to feel that same hurt that she had to go through. Her fears are deep seeded in wanting to protect you from this man who was not good enough to be your dad. Her intentions are noble but without a good enough reason to hide his identity from you.
On the other hand, she may not realize that by not telling you, she is still hurting your. Any way you look at it there is going to be hurt feelings and deep emotions involved from all involved.
The second you turned eighteen, you had the right to know the identity of your real father.
By the way, lets not define your real father in terms of “father.” He has not earned that title. He was a sperm donor. This sperm donor of yours probably doesn’t want to be found. On the other hand, he may have tried to contact your mom already but she just didn’t say anything. Does he know that you exist? You should probably start by asking your mom that particular question.
I want you to know something that will help save your sanity through all of this. It is really hard not to take all of this personally, but your sperm donor doesn’t know who you are for it to be personal yet. He skipped out because he didn’t want the responsibility of raising a child, not because of who you are. Please remember that. Also remember that if you do find out who this guy, that doesn’t mean you will have any kind of relationship with him. It could be horrible, but it also could be good. I always say hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
You do need to find out who your real father is, because, otherwise, the “not knowing” will continue to eat you up inside. You need to profusely express to your mother how important it is to you that you find him. Start off by saying “Mom, I am 24 years old and it is my right as an adult.” Be persistent if she keeps refusing. Another angle you can take is suggesting to her that you will eventually need to know a family medical history. You need to practice some tough love with her, reason with her and ask her not to shut down. If she can at least hear you out, you may get a positive result. It is her responsibility to level with you and provide you with some explanation. From what I gather, this will not be easy.
I strongly suggest counseling with your mom. My mom and I were at odds for years after my own parents divorced and counseling provided us the catalyst we needed to see eye to eye. Having someone there to mediate conversations instead of just dealing with the “shut down” mode or pointing fingers really saved our relationship. It creates a safe environment for you both to express yourselves and communicate efficiently.
Focus on your relationship with your mom first and then start the process of finding your sperm donor AKA your “real father.” Once you are in a healthy place with your mom, then you can be in a healthy state of mind to meet your dad. Having her support will make a huge difference, just be persistent and approach her from different angles. With the understanding you both will create together, you can find strength in each other to do this together.
What did you think of Robyn’s advice? Comment below and check back on Friday for Skippy’s advice.