Dear She’s My Mom Not Yours;
Let me guess. This person living off (not with, off) your mother has . . . wait for it . . . a liberal arts degree. Am I right?
If there were ever a case of bad parenting this would be it. Your cousin (whom I shall refer to as Sleazy from here on out) was not raised right. Sleazy’s parents totally failed to teach him any sorts of standards about being a man. Was he by chance raised by a single mother? Or did he simply have a shitty father?
Either way he missed out on his Man training. Paying you own way. Have standards in women. Being able to maintain a relationship with a woman. Thinking before you get married. Building up a skill set that allows you to get and keep a source of income. All this and more appears to have been lost on him.
I notice that Sleazy is living with your mother. Not his mother. What’s up with that? Maybe his mother, since she raised him, knows better than to let him back in the house.
I don’t know how old Sleazy is but since he’s gone through three wives he must be at least 24.
Okay. I could rip on Sleazy all day long but that’s not gonna help you. What can you do about it.
You indicate that you’ve already attempted to talk to your mother about the situation and her response goes down the path of “family is suppose to help each other in times of need”.
I would agree about helping in times of need. I don’t agree about what the need actually is. What Sleazy needs is to learn how to get his shit together.
I don’t know how reasonable your mother is – and most children would say their moms are totally unreasonable. After all she wouldn’t let you go cliff diving with your friends would she. Regardless I’d say the first step is to try reasoning with her.
She has indeed helped Sleazy out in his time of need. She has done her duty and then some. It’s time for her to help Sleazy in a different way now. She needs to help him survive on his own. She also needs to let go of her attachment to being the hero in this situation.
Your mother has raised at least one child. You. At some point she let you go out into the world to do your thing on your own. She’s currently raising a second child and the time has come for Sleazy to go out into the world on his own. He’s a big boy now.
Here is a second approach.
Try having a talk with Sleazy about what his actions. Somehow I doubt you are going to appeal to his sense of honour since he has none. Normally in a situation such as this shame would be your friend. I bet Sleazy couldn’t be shamed if you tried.
Still you should try. In fact you should shame the shit out of him at every chance. Degrade him in every way you can in front of everyone. Especially your family and his friends. Assuming he has any friends.
It probably won’t work but at least it will be a good release for you.
To see why it won’t work take a look at what you are up against from his perspective. He’s a total failure at making money. A total failure with women. His own parents will not let him crash at their house. And here he is getting free bed and breakfast and free gas.
He’s getting free stuff. Just for existing. He’s doing nothing at all in return for it. This is the greatest thing ever. All of us would love to have free stuff in return for doing nothing. He’s not going to give this up easily. No one would give this up easily.
Here is a final consideration that might lead to some dark places. Why do you think your mother is letting Sleazy get away with all this? Sure the whole “family helping family” thing may factor. What other reasons are there? Is she lonely? Does she have so much money that she really doesn’t care about the expense? Is she getting something out of having Sleazy crashing at her pad that you don’t know about? Something that makes it worth while for her?
What it all comes down to is one reality. Your mother is a big girl. Unless she is seriously insane (and you indicate she is mentally healthy) you may just have to let her make her own decisions.
Even if those decisions are bad.