Living with another person presents challenges. And by challenges I mean reasons you want to smack that other person upside the head with a two-by-four. In this case your roomie’s idiot boyfriend is a good enough reason to make even the most patient person take a trip to the lumber yard.
Here’s the bad news right up front. You may be looking for a new roommate or a new place to live or both really soon.
Let’s look at the specifics you gave us.
He comes over when she is not home.
The problem with sharing your home with someone else is that you share your home with someone else. And if that person decides to share your home with additional people . . . what are you going to do about it?
Having a roommate is much like getting married. You need to work this kinda stuff out in advance. They’re called “ground rules” and unfortunately it might be too late for you to negotiate them since you already live together. You can learn from your mistake however for the next time around.
How are the household chores going to be divided up? What happens when assigned chores aren’t done. What’s the rule on friends or boyfriends or girlfriends or acquaintances of one resident of the home hanging out in the house when the other resident isn’t there?
Skippy rules say that if you aren’t in the house your boyfriend shouldn’t be in the house. Unless he’s paying part of the rent. I’m guessing that isn’t the case in your situation. I would suggest you stop now and talk with your roomie about some ground rules. Her boyfriend coming over when she isn’t there needs to be addressed.
How is he getting in the house? Are the doors unlocked? Does he have a key? If he has a key that shit needs to end immediately if you are not comfortable with him having access.
I’m not gonna lie, my next suggestion is board-line douchebag behaviour. After telling your roomie that you don’t want her boyfriend in the house when she isn’t there . . . if he comes back, call the police. Have him removed for trespassing.
Makes messes in our kitchen.
A man in the kitchen? Well that’s a good start. Too bad it all goes wrong from there.
Unless he is in the kitchen with your roomie (or making you something to eat) what the hell is he doing in your kitchen? Is he making food? For himself? Did he pay for this food?
Refuses to clean up after himself [after making the mess in the kitchen].
If he isn’t cleaning up his mess then your roommate should. In the end this all comes back to why the hell is he in the kitchen. And why isn’t he wearing a sexy maid outfit.
You need to ask yourself these questions because – as I always say – you need to be aware of what you have contributed to the problem. In this case your contribution was not setting up the rules of living together with your roommate from day one. Now you are paying the price for this. You made the mistake. Own it. Learn from it.
They argue constantly and one night after a particularly bad fight, he hit her.
Here’s the bad news. You can’t fix other people. I can’t say for sure why people date people they argue with. Maybe they enjoy the drama. Maybe they think “I can’t do any better” and cling to the person they are with. Maybe the sex is so good they put up with the fighting. Maybe they have really low standards. Maybe they are really stupid. Maybe it’s all of the above and more.
Verbal fighting on occasion is one thing. While I know couples that almost never fight the average couple is gonna have a disagreement now and then and voices might get loud. Physical violence is different. No one should put up with that shit.
If your roommate is dumb enough to date a man who hits her there is little you can do to fix that. I’m not a woman and to be honest I have no idea how you women rationalize this shit. I have heard assorted applications of hamster-wheel logic including the ever classic “He hits me because I don’t love him enough.” No honey. He hits you because you let him hit you.
If your roommate wants to let her boyfriend hit her there is really nothing you can do about it. Sure you can try talking to her. You can video record the next time he does it and put it on YouTube in an attempt to shame him into stopping his bullshit behaviour. But unless your roommate is willing to stop putting up with her boyfriend’s actions you can’t do nothing about it.
Here are your action items.
- Attempt to negotiate ground rules about who can be in the house when. If she’s not there the boyfriend can’t be there.
- Start looking for a new place to live. In case your current roommate isn’t willing to find a new place to live.
- Start looking for a new roommate. In case your current roommate is willing to find a new place.
- Use this experience to start making up a list of rules you are going to negotiate with your current and future roommates.
- Get a job making enough money to live by yourself.
- Don’t allow other people to hit you.