Dear Friendship on the Fritz;
This is a problem I have seen afflict both boys and girls. They start dating a person and it suddenly seems like a good idea to neglect and reject all of their friends. I have attempted to warn people over and over and over not to do this. When the person you are dating dumps your ass or when you dump that persons ass you are going to be wanting your friends.
But people just don’t listen. There seems to be something in the genetic makeup of humans that makes us have to learn things the hard way.
And in some cases people still don’t learn things even though they’re doing it the hard way.
Ignoring your friends for the sake of spending all your time with the person you’re dating also sends the signal to that person that you have no life outside of her. This isn’t exactly attractive. At least not to sane people. A relationship between sane people benefits from each person having time to themselves for their hobbies, interests and friends. No normal couple wants to be together every moment of the day and night.
Thus I wonder if your friend is either very insecure or very possessive. Or both.
Your friend is pushing your buttons.
The fact that your friend becomes a dick every time he gets a shiny new toy makes him something of an ass hole. However all of us are ass holes in our own way. I know a lot of people out there don’t believe that. It’s the people who don’t believe they are an ass hole in any way whatsoever that you should stay the hell away from. Because those people lack self-awareness.
And we all know how Skippy loves to talk about self-awareness. That’s why I always ask the question “what did you do to contribute to this problem?”
But I digress.
They happen to us all. How do you deal with ’em? Start by calmly explaining the behaviour which is pushing your emotional buttons and why it’s pushing you buttons. If the other person has any amount of concern for you and empathy with you that person will be interested in seeking a resolution.
When confronting another person about some aspect of their behaviour that pushes your emotional buttons it’s also helpful not be confrontational. It sounds like you did a reasonably good job of this. It’s damn hard to be rational and calm when you’re pissed off. That’s why I never ask the kids to get off my lawn. I yell at them.
One way to make the process into a conversation instead of a confrontation is to volunteer an equal scrutiny of yourself as well. Offer up “this is what you are doing and this is why it bugs me” then state that if there’s anything you do that pushes his emotional buttons as well this is a great time for him to tell you about it.
Now both of you have an opportunity to improve the friendship. This way your friend doesn’t feel like his behaviour is being singled out. Instead the two of you are working together to make the relationship better.
As things will forever be – it is what it is. Where you are is where you are. Where do you go from here?
You finally explained that his behaviour is adversely affecting you and now he will not talk to you any more. My first suggestion is to simply give it some time. People do not like being confronted with the idea that their actions have a negative impact on other people. You done did that and now the ball is in his court.
Wait for him to return it.
This was a conversation that needed to take place and you initiated it. He walked away from the conversation. It will do you no good to chase him down and try to continue the conversation. You’ve got to wait for him to come back with a willingness to continue and a willingness to be open to the possibility that he could change his behaviour to enhance and maintain your friendship.
This might sound something like a power-play on your part (and to a certain extent it is) but it’s also an acknowledgement of the fact that he has to be willing to have the conversation with you. Like it or not chasing after him at this point will only make you look desperate. Like it or not if you want him to change for the benefit of the friendship you’re going to have to take a dominate position on this if you want it to happen.
You also might want to invest in a riding crop. Oh wait, that’s a different dominate position. Never mind.