When you think about Fort Collins what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
True. Obnoxious college students are the first thing that comes to mind.
Was the second thing that comes to mind?
Exactly. Getting drunk.
Although judging by the line I saw in front of the recreational marijuana dispensary this morning “getting high” is going to give “getting drunk” a run for its money. Until the puritans the run Fort Collins ban recreational marijuana dispensaries. You heard it here first.
And here in the People’s Republic of Fort Collins we got us some bars. I’ve never seen so many watering holes in such a small area. And inside them their bars we got us some bad behaviour.
For those of you who behaved badly in the bars today’s Unsolicited Advice is for you.
1. When you’re at the bar and the place is packed don’t hold up the server or the bartender with any of the following:
A. Asking them to help you connect your mobile device to the Internet.
You can ask for the Wi-Fi password and if you don’t think you’re smart enough to remember it write it down. After entering the password if you can not get your device to connect to the interwebz do not expect your waitress to troubleshoot your connectivity problems for you.
Should you find yourself unable to live tweet your drinking experience you’re just going to have to deal with it.
B. Engaging them in conversation for the purpose of persuading them to have sex with you.
No matter how cute or ugly your cocktail waitress is she’s heard it all before. No matter how studly or sissy your bartender is he’s heard it all before. It’s not wrong trying to score with somebody who works at a bar. It’s wrong trying to score with somebody who works at a bar when the bar is busy.
And what’s wrong with that is you’re holding up service to everybody else in the bar. Come back when business is slow and apply your seduction routine then. Order your drink then shut the fuck up.
C. Attempting to order food that meets your bizarre dietary restrictions.
This is a bar. Not a restaurant. Everything that comes out of their kitchen is frozen.
They take it out of the freezer, drop it into hot oil, pull it out of the hot oil, and throw it on a plate. No you cannot get a gluten-free hamburger bun. Either order your hamburger without the bun or go to a restaurant.
2. When a live band is playing shut the hell up.
Some people go to the bar when a band is playing in order to hear the band. Not to hear your conversations about how much your job sucks.
Hard to believe. I know. The nerve of those assholes. Who do they think they are.
If you feel the need to have discussions in the bar while the band is playing you need to sit as far away from the band as you can. You need to do this so the people sitting close to the band don’t have to listen to you shouting in order to make yourself heard over the band. The band they are trying to listen to.
Or better yet go to a bar that doesn’t have live music and have your conversation there.
Or better yet stay home and bitch about your job there.
This is a bar. Why are your children here? People come here to get drunk and get laid. Nobody wants to deal with your children.
You’re in a bar. Drinking a beer. Breastfeeding. Why? True story. Not making this up.
And I’ll be first to admit that it’s funny as hell. In the abstract. Breastfeeding while drinking. That’s funny. In the abstract. When you actually see it happening that’s bad parenting.
You didn’t bring your children to the bar? Good job. But guess what? Nobody wants to hear stories about your children either. Nor do they want to see photographs of your children. This is a bar. People come here to get drunk and get laid. Stop showing photos of your children to the bartender. She has work to do. Like mixing my next Martini.
4. Speaking of getting drunk in bars, bars are a good place to get drunk but not a good place to be drunk.
It’s fine to be buzzed. It’s fine to be medicated. When you reach the point of being three sheets to the wind housed it’s time for you to go home. At this point you have probably lost all capability to behave in public. The only reason the people around you are even continuing to put up with you is because there also drunk.
And pretty soon you’re going to do one of four things:
- Pass out.
- Vomit and then pass out.
- Pass out and then vomit.
I’m sure your friends don’t mind picking you up, getting covered in vomit, and carrying you home. The people who work at the bar do not want to have to deal with the contents of your stomach or your fat limp body.
When you reached your limit you need to stumble the fuck home.