Hello Dear Readers!
Skippy and I decided to give a little bit of general advice this week. Some Unsolicited Advice for the general populace. I see it as an opportunity to share with you what really makes my blood boil. We all have to co exist on this planet so, lets try and make it as pleasant as possible for each other. Warning: I may offend some of you and I will be using language of the bad variety. I seem to be good at that, even though I try my best to give the benefit of the doubt. I am not going to hold back. Here is what I think people need advice on:
You Drive Like An Asshole.
Mostly you, the truck driver. I don’t drive a truck, therefore other people who do drive a truck see me as expendable. Hey you, person who drives a truck, you don’t own the road, I am still here. I understand that if we were in a wreck, your truck would have a small dent and mine would look like a crushed soda can and I will probably be dead. Think about that the next time you cut me off, asshole. Oh, and people of Fort Collins and the world, LEARN TO USE THE TURN SIGNAL. Also, lets at least go the speed limit. Ten miles below is as fucked up as ten above.
This morning I had thought I had found a gloriously close spot to work. I was wrong. Some douchebag was almost taking up two spaces. Really? Downtown parking is a commodity. Thanks for fucking with my morning. This seems to be a common epidemic around the world. Let me give you some advice, your car is probably going to get keyed or worse. Just saying.
You Don’t Need To Tell Me What I Should Be Eating.
Oh, so you are on a great new diet/have gone gluten free/eliminated dairy/wheat/eggs/starch/only eat vegtables that die a natural death…. I DON”T CARE. I think what you need to understand that everyone’s dietary needs are different, therefore, they should determine what is best for their bodies. Unless I ask, I don’t want to know.
You Should Not Use Facebook for TMI posting.
TMI, for those of you who don’t know, is short for Too Much Information. Not too many of you do this any more, but for those of you that do, cut it the fuck out. We don’t need a novel about what is going on in your life every day or 800 pictures of your food/child /beer/ self. Those of you who post a pic of themselves every other day, just stop. It’s obnoxious. You are not that important to anyone.
You have a Cock, I Get it. That doesn’t mean I want it.
I went to a wedding fairly recently and had a guy try to grab my boobs while dancing. “I’m married!” I said. “I like you.” He said, then, proceeded to do what I can only describe as a white man’s mating ritual… the dance of You Should Want My Dick. I don’t. I have one at home, thank you very much and I am very happy with it… him.
Your Dog is STILL Not On A Leash!
I wrote an Unsolicited Advice about this topic already. It is a LAW that you need to have your dog on a leash. I was walking my dog yesterday morning and this stupid woman with her 100 lb dog was letting the dog walk around without holding on the her leash. I don’t know your name, lady, but I know your dog’s name is Kendra and she tried to eat my little Zazu. I had to scoop him up and try to get your dog off of me. This is not OK. My husband had the same problem with a Labrador last week, getting in my dog’s face and a tussle happened. My husband heard the typical “Don’t worry, my dog is friendly.” Yeah, but my dog feels threatened and will react as such. Keep your dog on a leash for fuck sake. I wish I could report you.
So that is about it. Really, I am pretty easy going. I just asked my husband if he could think of anything else that pisses me off and he couldn’t. These are the main things that get my panties in a bunch. Next week I will have a brand new installment of Robyn Rants so I am sure I will have something new that I am frustrated about. You wont want to miss out!
Do you have a list of things that really piss you off? You can write to us anonymously!! Tune in Friday to see what Skip has to say. I am sure he has a lot of things to get off his chest. Don’t miss it!