Zombies are all the rage right now. From the proliferation of Zombie Crawls and Zombie events to the number of people who are convinced The Talking Dead . . . I mean The Walking Dead . . . is a good TV show.
When I go slumming on OKCupid every third profile I come across (get it? come across?) contains a reference to waiting for the zombie apocalypse or preparing for the zombie apocalypse or what she will do when the zombie apocalypse happens.
There was a movie about the zombie apocalypse which had Brad Pitt in it. There were some other movies about zombies but they didn’t have Brad Pitt. The Brad Pitt movie was based on a book but had nothing to do with the book other than zombies. Did I mention Brad Pitt? Apparently he is still a sure thing in show biz.
I was into the whole zombie thang for more than a few years of my life. I’ve mostly gotten over it. The closest I come to old habbits is watching the first Resident Evil movie. A movie which was based on a video game but had nothing to do with the video game other than zombies. And for a movie based on a video game Resident Evil is amazingly good. Just don’t watch any of the sequels. They are more painful than Ebola.
Ah yes. Ebola.
That’s somethang ya cain’t get ova.
Ebola is like a girl. Either she will or she wont. And like the song says “If she won’t do it then her sister will.”
There is this thing you may have heard about. It’s called evolution. Evolution says once in a while you need an extinction event to clean out the gene pool. Ebola might be that cleanser. Or it might not. If it ain’t Ebola it’s Ebola’s sister. Whomever that is.
Your Ebola options are Doomsday or Hype.
Ebola might be the game changer. It all depends on how long it can survive outside a host body and how easily it transmits. It’s that simple. If there is a legit outbreak of Ebola. None of your Gods – the ones in the sky or the ones in Washington D.C. – will be able to save you. You’ll get your apocalypse with dead bodies and blood. Only the dead bodies will not be walking around. Just melting.
I’ve heard – but not confirmed because I don’t care enough to confirm – that there are some people who are afraid to fly on airplanes because they think they will get Ebola. I avoid airplanes like the plague (get it?) because I don’t like having TSA agents fondle my nuts. I also don’t like having my luggage abused, searched and stolen.
You are likely to get a disease on an airplane but it’s probably not Ebola. An airplane is like a school classroom or daycare centre. A small space full of yucky people. There be all kinda bugs and germs and stuff flying around in there.
If all the funk on those airplanes didn’t scare you before Ebola why be scared now. There are so many things that have killed more people in the United States than Ebola You should fear those instead.
The police. Public schools. California drivers in Colorado when there is snow on the road. Pointed sticks. Frying pans. Yup. Every epidemic starts some place but so far Ebola has a pretty unimpressive record.
We’ve seen the apocalypse before. Human love the apocalypse. My thesis is thus: everyone thinks they are so important that the “end of times” must occur while they are alive. Thus the fascination with doomsday.
Amongst the things which were going to kill us all, in no particular order and just off the top of my head are:
- The Reds
- Nuclear War
- Nuclear Winter
- Ronald Reagan Joking About Bombing Russia
- Global Warming
- Global Cooling
- Gay Marriage
- 2001 (For people smart enough to know the “millennium” happened on the first day of 2001, not 2000, as there was no year 0.)
- Assorted Comets
- Assorted Meteors
- An Explosion of the Insect Population
- Over Population
- Mass Starvation
- Genetic Engineering
- Bill Clinton Getting A Blow Job
And yet . . . here you are. Still.
Still doing dumb shit like voting Democrat and spending more money than you earn. As the Monty Python quote says – “I’m not dead yet!”
If nothing else Ebola will be good for some jokes and to sell Ebola Survival Kits. Then it will fade away like all the other End Of The World As We Know It scenarios.
There are buildings in the United States that have biological agents in them which will wipe clean the human population of the Earth should they ever get loose. The power of human stupidity says those agents will get loose. It’s only a matter of time.
The apocalypse is coming, it’s only a matter of when. Bad news is . . . not in your lifetime. Get over it and move on. It’s not going to look the way it looks in the movies. Nothing ever looks the way it looks in the movies. The dead aren’t going to be walking but you’ll wish they were. You can run from shambling dead people.