Dear Fatherless in Fort Collins;
You should not give up on finding out who your father is. This knowledge is very important.
Firstly for medical reasons. I’m sure I’m not the first person to point out you need to know who your biological father is because of the possibility of genetic and inherited diseases.
Secondly for mental health reasons. Not mental health as in “you’re crazy” but mental health as in “not knowing is gnawing at your mind like a jack-hammer”. It’s a psychological strain on you. One which is not going away until you know the answer.
You are not being unreasonable and you should continue to pursue this question with your mother. The problem that must be solved is how do you go about getting your mother to give this information to you. You have been attempting to find out who your real father is for some time already. I suspect it’s not going to be easy and you may have to resort to drastic measures. I’ll outline these drastic measures in a moment. First let’s take a look at what kind of person your mother is in order to evaluate what must be done and your chances of success.
Put aside that she is your mother and let’s evaluate her character as if she were someone you don’t know personally.
She told a man who is not your father that he is your father. She maintained this lie for 15 years. Where your parents already married when you were conceived? If so this tells us that she was having sex outside the marriage. That’s perfectly okay if both people in the marriage have agreed that extracurricular act ivies are permitted. I could be wrong but I’m guessing your parents didn’t have that discussion.
Or was it a shotgun wedding? Was your mother dating the man she married while having sex with some scumbag who just got out of prison and was unemployed? Did she get knocked up by the scumbag but decide to get married to the man who actually has a job? Both men and women have sex with one kind of person but marry another kind of person.
I’m betting the man you thought was your father has a larger income than the man who actually is your father. Or the man who is your father already had a wife. If you ever find out who your real father is you’ll be able to see if I’m correct or not. I got a crisp $100 bill that say I’m right on at least one of those counts.
In addition to lying to the man she was married to for over 15 years she also lied to you for 15 years. When you were a child did your mother tell you that lying is wrong and you shouldn’t lie? Isn’t it interesting how the standards of behaviour for children are so high while the standards of behaviour for parents are so low. But what about the children?
We know that women lying to men is perfectly acceptable because “patriarchy”. However women cannot shut up about how important “the children” are and how much they (women) care about “the children” and how we must do everything we can to protect and provide for “the children”. Except of course when that means telling one of these children who their biological father is. In that case it’s perfectly okay to have the attitude of “fuck the children.” Because what’s more important to your mother than you?
Why is withholding the information about who your biological father is the best choice for your mother? I don’t know. But your mother does. That is what you’re fighting against. There is some reason she does not want you to have this information and that reason is more important to her than you are.
Here is the difficult solution I have to offer.
Being honest with you is less important to your mother than she is to herself. It’s time for you to make knowing who your father is more important than your mother. Inform her that you are ceasing all contact and communication with her until she tells you who your father is. Then implement. No phone calls. No emails. No text messages. Unfriend her on Facebook. Don’t go over to visit her. If she appears on your doorstep do not open the door. When you walk past her in public do not acknowledge her existence.
This is assuming you don’t live at home. However it is the year 2014 at your 24 years old so there’s actually a significant chance you do live at home still. In which case you are fucked twice over.
Sounds pretty mean doesn’t it? The time has come for you to choose. Continue the shitty relationship with a woman who has lied and withheld information from you and her husband or grow a spine and put the pressure on her to behave like a civilized person.
You probably think you are suppose to have unconditional love for your mother. You aren’t. Your love for your mother should be conditional on her not lying to you and withholding important information about your genetic history. Especially in a case like this where she is withholding the information for her own benefit.
Side note to men. Paternity testing. Always. I don’t care how much you love some woman. I don’t care what she told you. I don’t care. If you are paying for the child always get it DNA tested the soonest moment you can.