The coming of spring means the coming of spring break. It also means the coming of a lot of cuming. A multitude of high school and college students voyage away from their safe and familiar surroundings for a week of excitement and adventure. Most of them come home again. Some of them don’t. Many of them are never the same again.

For those of you who want to come home alive and intact I give you . . .

Skippy’s Spring Break Survival Guide

1. Don’t leave your drink unattended.

If you are a typical spring breaker then you have journeyed to some exotic location that is going be populated by a large number of other spring breakers. And the typical spring breaker isn’t very bright. Typical spring breakers will engage in activities they find to be cute such as adding additional medication to your alcoholic beverage.

Don’t even tell me you aren’t boozing. Save the lies for your parents and your resume.

This medicating might be done for the purpose of loosening you up for some easy sex. It may also be for the purpose of pure entertainment. You know those assholes that give alcohol to animals or small children so they can get them drunk and laugh at them? Well those assholes are going to college. Those assholes are now on spring break. Those assholes have a bottle of Everclear.

On the subject of what to drink and what not to drink . . .

2. Don’t bring home any diseases.

You may be partying down in some exotic foreign country like Florida or California. Let me take a moment to remind you that “party” is not a verb. When visiting foreign countries only drink the beer. You don’t know what’s in the water. Every time we flush a toilet here in Colorado that water runs downhill to California.

Exercise caution in your sexual samplings. Before exchanging body fluids or inserting any body parts be sure you inspected the product. How does it smell? Are there any visible sores, scabs or warts? Any bleeding? Do you see anything in the bushes that looks like the movement of small insects?

You may enjoy sex in the dark. Be careful. This is the time to have sex with the lights on.

Speaking of sexually transmitted diseases . . .

3. Don’t make a baby.

Babies cost money. If you’re on spring break you are either in college will be going to college very soon. (Or you’re just taking advantage of the plethora of college kids.) While some of you have scholarships or parents paying for your college education most of you are paying for this yourself. And by “paying yourself” I mean you’re taking out student loans. Because you were never taught anything about accounting or finance by the public school system you don’t really understand how much money it’s going to cost to pay those loans back.

Babies cost money. You don’t have money. Nor are you going to have money after you graduate. You’re not going to get a high paying job because the old people who came before you have completely destroyed the economy. The monthly payments on your $30,000 student loan are going to loom large as compared to your barista wages. Now add the cost of a child.

If you’re a woman and you bring home a baby from spring break you will at least be able to get welfare, WIC, food stamps, child support and never ending public sympathy for what a brave & courageous person you are to get pregnant at 19 despite the availability of multiple forms of birth control, morning after pills and abortions.

If you are a man and you get a woman pregnant on spring break you will be giving that woman a portion of your income for a minimum of 18 years.

That’s 18 years during which you will also be paying back your school loan.

Speaking of things you will be paying back for the next 18 years that brings us to . . .

4. Don’t run up credit card debt.

Unless the credit card is in your parent’s name. In which case it really is free money.

If the credit card is in your name however it’s not free money. I know it feels like free money. It’s free money from the bank’s perspective. You have to pay for everything you charge. The interest adds up faster than you realize, because nowhere in public education were you taught anything about accounting or finance.

Carrying around large amounts of cash is not something you should on spring break. Credit cards are better because they can be cancelled when lost or stolen. Make sure you write down the customer service phone number of your credit card company.

Save up $1000 for spring break spending and leave it at home in a safe place. Under your mattress. Or under the dirty dishes in the sink. Nobody’s going to look there. Go on spring break with your credit card and spend your thousand dollars. When you get back home pay the entire credit card bill off.

The hard part will be not spending more than you saved. If you’re able to do that congratulations. If you’re not able to spend less money than you actually have you might want to look into politics as a career choice.

Speaking of career options . . .

5. Remember at all times that everything you do will be on the Internet.

If you’re intending to start your own business this isn’t really a big deal. If for some sick reason you have a desire to work at a corporation which is going to destroy your soul and treat you like shit then you’re going to want to keep the information regarding your activities heavily filtered on the interwebz.

I understand you think what you do on your personal time should not affect your ability to get a job. The old people who run the corporations which you want to work for disagree. Those old people do care about what you do on your personal time and since those old people are going to be making the hiring decisions for the foreseeable future you’re going to need to take the old people into account when posting YouTube videos and Facebook photos.

There it is. Five important tips to help you make it through spring break without be traumatized or screwed over for life. Not that any of you darn kids are going to listen. When I was your age we respected our elders. Now get off my lawn!  Unless you are sharing your beer.