Robyn and Skippy’s Holiday Survival Guide

Hello Fort Collins! It’s that time of year again.  A time of merriment, joy, parties, presents and pretentious bull shit.  That’s right! Its Christmas time… again. Love the holidays? Great! ‘Tis the season to be jolly! ‘Tis also the season of the highest suicide rates, family feuding, yule-tide drunk driving and trampling others to get the last “must have” toy on the shelf. It’s ugly out there. Here is our advice for surviving the holidays.

She Says: A Whole Lot of Don’t

1. Don’t Drink too Much.  It’s tempting. Very, very tempting. Especially when you have to go to your spouse’s Christmas party and pretend like you like the people they work with, or dealing with Aunt Polly pinching your cheek or Grandpa Joe telling fart jokes. Alcohol is never the answer here. They are your family and you are stuck with them. This doesn’t mean you have to like them, just tolerate them. Have ONE glass of wine, relax and come up with some fart jokes of your own.

2. Don’t Make it Hard on Yourself.  This holiday can be simple. There is way too much stress put on one this day of the year. Why should we stress about it? It is about celebration and giving. You don’t have to over do it “Griswold” style in order to have a  jolly holiday. Decorate one tree, buy a couple of presents, make a few cookies and spend some time enjoying the simplicity of the season with those who truly make you smile.

3. Don’t be a Holiday Shopper Asshole.  Just don’t be that person. Don’t slap on your proverbial helmet and shoulder pads and head to the malls with a “shoot to kill” attitude. Sure, you look like you are full of holiday cheer, Christmas sweater and jingle socks, but all you really want is the toy of the year and you don’t care who gets hurt in order to get it. You are the one who steals the parking spot the honest person has been waiting patiently for the last half hour. You are the one who rushes by others hitting them with your bags without so much as a sideways glance. Stop it. No gift is that important.

4. Don’t Spend Too Much. Check yourself before you write that check. Gifts in moderation are better than all the accumulating debt you will face in January. Does your boyfriend really need the new PS4? Does your girlfriend really need that diamond necklace even though she has threatened never to give you a BJ again until she has it? Come on people. How precious can you get?

5. Don’t Do it Alone.  Do you love Christmas? Can’t get enough of all the merriment? Or do you HATE Christmas? So much so that Scrooge has nothing on you? If you are a Christmas hater then you need to find someone to pal around with and get through the holidays together. Love Christmas? You will need someone to help you expel all that holiday cheer. Find a buddy who shares the same holiday views as you do and spend the holidays loving or loathing together. No one should ever feel alone around Christmas.

6. Don’t Dwell on the Ghosts of Christmas Past.  The expectation and pressure of Christmas is what I dislike the most about this time of year. So many of us dwell on making the “perfect” holiday or making it better than the one before. On the other hand, there are those who wait for something bad to happen during the holidays, maybe because something bad has always happened in the past. Don’t put ANY expectations on how the holiday will turn out. Don’t build yourself up to believing that this will be the best holiday ever, or the worst. It is going to happen whether we like it or not.

He Says: A Whole Lotta Do

1. Do be appreciative of the people and things you have in your life now. I know you think things are going to be better when you have more money, more free time and everyone else changes their behaviour to satisfy your needs. And you’re right about that.

However those conditions will never actually come into existence. If you ever get more money you will simply spend more money. You aren’t going to have more free time in the future. The biggest shocker or all, the other 7 billion people on Earth are not going to modify their behaviour to please you.

You can, and should, aspire to greatness. Meanwhile what you have is what you have. Cherish it.

2. Do spend your time with the people who matter the most to you. I often joke that the only present I give other people is my presence. But it’s not a joke. Holiday times are stressful enough with idiots killing each other at Wal-Mart and you in-laws living in your home and critiquing every aspect of your existence. As much as possible spend your time away from the things which crush your soul. Spend you time with people who care about you and whom you care about.

Every day you are one day closer to death. Start acting like it.

3. Do set aside time for yourself. Time for yourself might mean time alone or time with someone special. It might mean doing a particular activity or it might mean doing absolutely nothing other than breathing.

Whatever it is that you need to keep being mostly sane – make sure you get somma that.

4. Do get over it for just one day. I know. Other people are wrong. Other people don’t have the exact same world view that you have and that means they are full of hate. They hate, hate, hate, hate. And you can’t shut up about it.

Damn atheists. Damn Christians. Damn Mormons. Damn vegans. Damn paleos. Damn feminists. Damn players. Damn welfare recipients. Damn rich people. Damn white people. Damn black people. Damn everyone except you because you are perfect and everyone else is flawed and more importantly you are gonna make sure everyone around you knows how imperfect they are.

Maybe for just one day you could shut the fuck up about it. If you think I’m not talking about you that means I’m talking about you.

5. Do drink lots of water. Staying hydrated is healthy. It will keep you from over eating like you did at Thanksgiving.

Drinking lots of water will make you need to go to the bathroom more often which gives you a chance to get out of the room with your in-laws. They will insult you behind your back but at least you will not have to listen to it.

Drinking water will help with that hangover you are going to have.

6. Do something you’ve been wanting to do but haven’t had the courage to do. You might fail. Two days after you fail no one but you will remember it. Two months after you fail you won’t remember it. One day you’ll be dying and wish you had failed more often. Failure means you are living, changing and experiencing.

This is your time to live.

 

What do you think of our advice for surviving the holidays? Who was more helpful? What advice do you have for getting through the holidays?  Comment below and check back Monday for a new question of the week!